You Can't Have It Both Ways...

Childhood is not easy. Never was and probably never will be. In fact its confusing as hell. And kids usually have the adults in their lives to thank for a good percentage of that confusion. Look around you at any given point in time on any given day, and I bet you will be able to spot no fewer than 8 examples of the confounding and downright hypocritical ways we are screwing with our kids' heads. As in, I'm going to smoke but God help you if I catch you smoking. I'm sitting here drinking, and most likely did so underage, but I better not find out that you are drinking underage. Don't you use any of that foul language in this house, godamnit!! Know you are pretty just the way you are, but use all the right make up and hair products and diet pills and expensive clothing anyway. Its ridiculous!!!

I'm just as guilty of the "parenting double standard" as anyone else. My kids have seen me on my cell phone while driving, and then heard me say "Don't ever do that." My kids have heard my potty mouth, and know they get in trouble for saying anything more strenuous than "darn" or "shoot". Its not easy. Its not easy to always always always be that example. To always be vigilant that eyes are watching and ears are listening. Its easy to forget and call your husband a jerk face, and when he complains, tell him "Well at least I didn't call you a D-bag." and then have your 5 year old walk around the corner, look at her father and say "Yeah, D-bag." Or so I've heard....

As adults, we understand its a double standard. And being adults, we are better equipped to weed out the information that is contradictory to what we know is right and true. But kids don't have this ability. And if the adults in their lives aren't helping them do it and learn the skills necessary to do it for themselves down the road, we are going to end up with an entire generation of confused, scared, and completely illogical people who couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

I've been seeing a lot of articles lately on kids and what they struggle with growing up, and how bombarded they are with all the mixed messages they receive, especially in the realm of character education. We want to teach our kids to behave with character, but sometimes I don't think we understand how confusing we make it. Because there are different character rules depending on who you are with, where you are, and what is going on around you. And we expect kids to be able to navigate all of these variables and just innately understand what applies when and how and why. For example...

1. We want our daughters to know that true beauty comes from within. That it's how they treat others that makes them beautiful people. We want them to value their character more than they value external physical beauty. But what message do we send them when we surround them with women who wouldn't DARE go out of their houses in the morning without their "face" on and their hair done and their clothes perfectly coordinated? How are they supposed to value internal character over external appearance when we demonstrate to them constantly that external appearance is so crucially important to us? We want them to have confidence and self esteem and inner strength, but we don't have enough in ourselves to go to a little kids soccer game without being glammed up from head to toe. They SEE this. And it matters more to them then the empty words coming out of our mouths. Words they see US refusing to live by. 

2. We tell our kids that asking for help isn't weakness. That if they are having a problem, they should go to a parent, a teacher, a coach, a neighbor, someone who they trust and they will get help and support. Especially in this day and age when we are supposed to be so vigilant about bullying, we encourage them to tell someone and assure them that help will come. But what message are we sending them when they DO tell and then tell them they shouldn't "tattle"? Or with older kids, make them feel like they just need to "toughen up" or get a thicker skin, or that there is something wrong with them for letting it bother them? We have attached a stigma to the bullying victim that is disturbing. They are viewed as weak, not tough enough, maladjusted, lacking. We spend so much time focusing on "fixing" the victim as if the problem was with them (teaching them to stand up for themselves, giving them the "tools" necessary to handle it and deal with it).  These kids see us trying to fix the problem by focusing on them. Which translates to "the victim is the problem which needs to be fixed". Which is complete and utter bullshit. We ALL know the problem is with the bully, but instead of focusing on fixing the bully and STOPPING the behavior, we focus on fixing the victim so they can better tolerate the continuance of a behavior that we all recognize as being TOTALLY WRONG. It literally makes my head want to explode.

3. We tell kids that "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me", implying that a person is defective or weird or wrong if they ever DO get hurt by the unkind words of another person. Physical wounds are acceptable because we all know they hurt, but internal wounds aren't real and don't count. I want to throat punch the asshole who decided that it was a good idea to tell kids about sticks and stones and all that bullshit. I guaran-damn-tee you that physical wounds heal a helluva lot faster than word wounds. Cutting is becoming dangerously popular among younger and younger kids as a way of giving a physical wound to the internal pain that is being felt. We minimize the importance and significance of the internal pain caused by the words of others, so these kids are cutting themselves in order for their pain to be noticed and validated and considered real. Pain from a physical wound is acceptable so they make their internal pain external so they can feel justified in feeling it. It breaks my heart.

I can only do what I can do for my kids. And I know I can do better. I can let my daughter know that I feel just as beautiful and worthy when I go to the grocery store in my yoga pants and jacked up hair, as I do when I go out to dinner with my hair done and my "face" on. I can tell her that I don't need make up to be pretty (and neither does she) but that sometimes its fun to dress up and look "glamorous". I can set a better example of this. I can also reassure all my kids that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, contrary to what they might think. I can teach them the skills they need to handle their own problems and conflicts, and I can encourage them to stand independently to fight their own battles. But I can show them every day that reaching out for help in those conflicts and battles is a sign of inner strength. Knowing our own limitations is one of the strongest and bravest things we can do, and I can do a better job of conveying this important lesson to them through my own actions. I can also remind them that feelings are normal and acceptable and valid, regardless of how they come about or anyone else's ideas about them. I can teach them the tools they need to learn that healthy relationships encourage the expression of feelings and that emotions are a valued gift. I can help them understand appropriate behaviors for the expression of their feelings so they don't feel the need to hide them or be ashamed of them. 

I don't like looking at my kids futures as all doom and gloom. I don't like that I worry about how much harder my kids have it now than I did at their age. I didn't have to worry about cyber-bullying and texting and tweeting and messaging and on and on and on. I just had to worry about surviving a ride standing up in the back of my neighbor's pick up truck. Or avoiding getting an intestinal parasite from drinking water straight from the hose. Or not getting impaled by Jarts. You know, the simple things back when life was easy.

The "hard right" over the "easy wrong"

I never wanted to be that parent. The "do as I say, not as I do" parent. I wanted to believe that I was setting the kind of example for my kids that they would do best to follow. Just as I'm sure my own parents wanted to believe they were doing for me. Just as all parents want to believe they are doing for their kids. For the most part, I believe I have done and continue to do that. But no one is perfect. We all fall short of the ideal sometimes.  I truly believe, though, that as parents we can make mistakes and STILL not be that hypocritical "do as I say" role model that is so often mocked in TV and movies. The difference, I think, is recognizing it and being willing to admit the mistake. Being able to say, you know what? I shouldn't have done that. Not just because I wish you hadn't seen it, heard it, been exposed to it, or been affected by it. But because it was wrong. It was a mistake. It was a bad call by me and I'm gonna do my damnedest not to do it again. 

What I really try to keep in mind is that a parenting mistake or misjudgment in MY mind might very well be the absolute right thing to do for another parent in a different situation. And vice versa. I try not to look too hard at what other people think of my parenting decisions because they are not in my unique family or parenting situation. And what works for us may very well be the opposite of what works for them. And when other parents don't realize this, they can feel very free with their own opinions and judgments. Myself included.

Not judging, I believe, is one of the hardest things to do, EVER, not only as parents but as human beings. We are constantly making decisions in our daily life. What to do, what not to do. And we make those decisions by judging each circumstance as a good choice for us or a bad choice for us. We weigh the pros and cons of any given situation and make a judgment on what is the right thing to do. It starts as little kids. What happens if I bite the kid who just took my snack, and will the consequence be worth it if there is ANY chance that I will get my snack back? Hmmmmmmm...thats a judgment call. For some kids, the belief that they will get the snack back is worth any consequence, and the decision is made to bite away. For others, a realization might set in that biting will possibly bring a 2-fold consequence of getting a" time-out" AND still missing out on the snack, so the decision is made to cry or tattle or any number of other possible choices. But the bottom line is kids are taught to judge the situation and decide what is the right thing to do. Because the goal, ultimately, is to have these kids grow up into adults who can judge for themselves what is right and wrong without having a parent standing there telling them what to do. Unfortunately, the flip-side of this is that anyone who doesn't also choose this "right" option must be wrong. And people who do wrong things or make wrong decisions are judged as wrong themselves.

I am as guilty of this as anyone. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not naive to my own shortcomings. And I don't believe that admitting my faults and flaws and shortcomings is a character defect or weakness. I have made mistakes. I have had to apologize to people I care about, to my own kids, for decisions I've made that I regret. Things I've said or done, ways I've treated other people, conclusions I've jumped to, judgments I've made of other people or certain situations, assumptions I've made. They have heard me say "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong of me." and hopefully they have seen me make every effort to do better in the next situation where I am faced with similar circumstances. 

I truly believe that learning to apologize is something that happens by example. Knowing when to say I'm sorry, how to say I'm sorry, and why is a skill that can't be taught. It has to be felt. Learning the difference between a heartfelt sincere apology versus a hollow meaningless one, by feeling what its like to get both and realizing which one is the better choice. Watching someone give an honest apology and seeing what it takes to swallow your pride and humbly admit a mistake. Feeling guilty for hurting someone with your words or actions, and truly wanting to make it right and trying to offer healing with kind words. 

As a parent, it can become a bit more convoluted when you see your child in a situation where this kind of example is NOT being set by others. This can happen in the neighborhood with other kids or parents, or in school with teachers or other school personnel, or in sports and activities with other kids or coaches. Situations where the actions of another person were hurtful, and the appropriate person is either unwilling or unable to admit that maybe they made a bad judgment call and should have made a different choice of words or actions. I've tried to apologize to my kids for the hurt caused by another, and it just doesn't work. I think we all know its fairly useless to apologize on behalf of another person. If its not coming from the person who did the hurting, the apology will have a hard time offering any healing.

And I think kids are a lot brighter and more intuitive than many adults give them credit for. They know adults aren't perfect. They know we make mistakes. And by refusing to admit it when we make mistakes, we are doing nothing but eroding our own credibility with them. We are only reducing the level of respect kids will have for us as adults by pretending we never fall short. 

So how do we walk that fine line? The one where on one side, we should strive to maintain a level of respect in our kids for other adults, be it coaches, teachers or neighbors. Where we want our kids to understand that they should be polite and respectful of all adults, and especially those in roles of authority. The side where they realize that sometimes giving respect to people who have not necessarily earned it is MORE about the person YOU are and LESS about who the other person is. But then on the other side of that line lies your own credibility as a parent. When my kid comes to me, having recognized that someone did something wrong, and is questioning the judgment and decision making of the other person. When my kid is looking for validation that they aren't crazy and that what happened really was the wrong thing, but giving that validation will undermine the respect and authority my kid will have for that person.

This is where it becomes a balancing act. Because I firmly believe in validating my kids. When they are able to recognize the right thing to do in a situation, they should be supported and encouraged, especially if we as parents want it to ever happen again. But I have to balance the "Yup that was a really sucky thing for that person to do and it was hurtful and they shouldn't have done it and they were wrong." with "...but YOU still have a responsibility to do what is right. And just because that coach (for example) is doing the wrong thing doesn't justify you doing the wrong thing and giving anything less than the very best you have."  I'm not going to lie to my kids when they question whats right and whats wrong merely because doing so undermines their respect for another adult. But I can teach my kid that while the other person's actions are not a reflection on you (even if they directly involve you and are hurtful to you), YOUR actions ARE a reflection on you and you need to make sure that how you behave is exactly how you want others to see you.

Sometimes, doing what is right is a whole lot harder than doing what is wrong. Standing up to someone, especially someone in a position of authority, can be so much more difficult than sitting back quietly and riding out the storm. Agreeing with people who also recognize the wrong in the situation, but not being willing to take any action. Its a lot harder to bring home an F on a test and admit to your parents that you didn't study, than it is to cheat "just this once" in order to bring home an acceptable grade and not have to face the music of an F. But facing that music is the right thing to do. So I often tell our kids its more important to do the "hard right" rather than the "easy wrong". And that they can often recognize what the right thing to do is in any given situation by what is the most difficult thing to do about it. Its hard to accept responsibility and apologize. Its easier to point the finger and blame others, and turn your back and walk away.

I'm not always proud of my choices. I'm not always proud of the things I do or say, especially when its catty, snippy, snotty, pissy, judgmental, mean spirited, nasty, bitter, cruel, ugly, or all-around inappropriate. And I know I have to take steps to stop this when it happens. To resist the urge to give in, which is the right thing to do but is also hard to do in the moment when I'm angry or frustrated or hurt myself. But I acknowledge that I'm human and I need to do better at biting my tongue and not saying everything that comes to mind, if for no other reason than because I need to be setting that better example for my kids. Saying I'm human doesn't make my poor choices ok. But it does mean that I'm no worse than anyone else out there who is trying to do their best and sometimes being less than perfect. And I will continue work hard to set a better example for my kids. I will continue to validate them when they recognize right and wrong in the world, and I will continue to support them in doing the "hard right" even when everyone else around them, including adults, are taking the "easy wrong". 

Shenanigans of 14 yr old boys......

I have heard all the stories from friends and families of what its like to have teenage boys. All of the shenanigans that take place. All of the trouble that is caused. All of the food that is consumed. All of the lessons that get learned the hard way. So far, I have been very lucky in that my kids are really good kids (insert Karma laughing and pointing at me...) and have given me minimal amounts of "real" trouble. Sure they get into things, make messes, do things they aren't supposed to do but when it comes to serious problems? We have been very fortunate thus far. Maybe that's because I've technically only had a teenager for one year. My experiences last night are leading me to believe that the next 5 years are going to have me buying stock in Depends. Because I was damn near peeing myself laughing at my son and his friends and their idea of "fun". Let me set the scene....

3 almost/nearly 14 year old boys in the basement to spend the night. Big Dude is sitting on the front edge of the futon attempting to play the PS. Friend #1 is sitting near him on said futon, whacking him on the face and head with an old pool noodle. Friend #2 is riding my daughter's Barbie Princess scooter around the basement, back and forth in front of the TV. I come downstairs to discuss morning plans with Big Dude and I witness this scene. As I am trying to have a slightly serious conversation with my son, he wrestles control of the noodle from #1 and begins his own series of face/head whacking. #2 then grabs a Nerf sword and Nerf shield, scoots over to the futon, and offers his version of "assistance". I attempt to recover some sort of composure and get Big Dudes attention. He stops and turns to look at me. The next thing I see is a Nerf sword shooting up between his legs and turning him into a crumpled heap on the floor in front of me. Meanwhile, the face of #2 is peeking out from behind a Nerf shield as the scooter slowly rolls backwards, amid 3 voices hysterically laughing...

Needless to say, I gave up and went upstairs to wipe the tears from my face. At that point any further communication was obviously futile. This morning, they emerge from the basement looking tired and bedraggled. Little Dude looks at #1 and asks "What is that on your forehead?" Big Dude starts laughing hysterically and says "It was all #2's idea!". #1 enters the bathroom and comes out having realized someone has written "loser" on his forehead with a marker. His response to this is "I'm surprised you didn't write 'penis'." Turns out, that was #2's original plan but he realized he might get in actual trouble for this so decided to go with "loser" instead. And with that, they walked to the Circle K. With #1 and the "loser" written on his forehead.

Again I realize I am only just scratching the surface of what is actually possible with a group of teenage boys, and that I am very early in the process of discovering which of those possibilities will become part of my reality over the next 5-8 years. Its a good thing my kids have inherited my sense of humor...otherwise they might actually get in trouble for some of the shit that they do. Lucky for them, its really tough to be taken seriously in discipline when you are laughing so hard you are crying....

Business Casual....????

I just recently rejoined the working world for the first time in 8 years. It has been a bit of an adjustment, to say the least. Not only am I now trying to juggle commitments for kids and their activities with fewer free hours in a day, but I am also adding new responsibilities to my plate that haven't been there for quite some time. While the concept of working isn't a problem for me, I was not prepared for how completely unprepared I would be in apparently understanding "work lingo" and applying it to my choices. More than once I have actually thought to myself..."I don't think 'Business Casual' means what SHE thinks it means". But then I look around and think maybe I'M the one who doesn't understand what Business Casual means....

When I hear the term "business casual", I imagine people wearing business attire that is a step below suits and ties, and a step below skirts/suits and heels. I imagine people in khakis and dress pants, button down shirts and polo shirts, blouses and nice tops. I imagine people in loafers or dress shoes, flats or low heels, nice shoes. I imagine people in the same sort of clothing they would wear to church, or to dinner at a country club, or out to a nice restaurant.

What I don't imagine is people in beach flip flops and low cut tank tops. What I don't imagine is a shirt with shoulder cut outs that is missing only beaded fringe and air brushing in order to return to the Motley Crue concert from which it apparently originated. What I don't imagine is people wearing lycra or spandex with no undergarments - and yes, it is IMPOSSIBLE not to notice! What I don't imagine is people wearing the same kind of outfits that are seen at frat parties or clubs. What I don't imagine is seeing cleavage - lots of cleavage - and bra straps.

I know I sound like an old fart. You know, the "back in my day folks knew how to dress for work" kinda person. But seriously, I can't help but worry about our standards in the business world and what that means for our standards of business. Sounds weird, I know, but follow me here...

Looking professional takes time and effort. Putting that time and effort into my appearance in the morning means I take pride in how I present myself to the professional world. It means that I care about how I look and how I am perceived by others. I think it indicates an intention to behave professionally, as well as a desire and expectation to be treated professionally in return.  So if I want to be treated professionally, I should present myself in a professional manner and behave in such a way that expects professionalism from those around me. I can't dress like a hungover frat-boy while expecting to be treated professionally and respectfully.

Because I believe that, for the most part, people will meet our expectations. If I expect to be treated well, I am more likely to behave in a manner that would lend others to treat me well. If I greet people with a smile, I'm a lot more likely to receive one in return, even if I'm not really "feeling" the smile I give. And if I greet people with a scowl, I'm a lot more likely to be met with rude or impatient behavior in return. I think the same thing goes for how we dress...so, if I'm wearing glorified pajama pants and flip flops to work, I'm a lot less likely to behave like a business professional and be treated as such. And if I'm wearing dress pants, a nice blouse and dress shoes to work, I'm a lot less likely to behave like its a dance party or sleepover, and I'll probably be treated more professionally and maturely as well. 

Even if the job is "behind the scenes" and I never come face to face with the public, I firmly believe that I am much more likely to behave and speak professionally on the phone with people when I am in a professional frame of mind. And I don't think a professional frame of mind is achieved in lycra pants and flip flops. I just don't. At least not for me. I think a professional environment where people are dressed as such will bring out a higher level of professional behavior from everyone, both employees and customers. It just makes me sad to see that standard has changed so much from what I remember it being.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this behavior, considering some of the things I witnessed by people who were still in the application and interview stage. I don't think I've ever witnessed anyone actually drunk at an interview before. And it would never occur to me to show up for a job interview without a resume, especially when the specific instructions on the job information state to bring a resume. I also don't think I would ever dream of chewing out the receptionist over perceived "inaccurate information" on the job flyer either, as if she personally is responsible for your inability to read the fine print. 

Maybe I'm "old fashioned" and maybe I'm "that person" now who will constantly refer to times "back in my day" when things were so much better. And I'm ok with that. Because back in my day, cleavage and bra straps and beach footwear were not considered professional dress. And people actually had to put thought and effort into their personal appearance in order to be taken seriously, and you were rewarded for that effort by being treated to a higher level of professionalism, in the form of promotions and more opportunities for advancement. Promotions were earned by demonstrating you took your job seriously, by dressing for your job in a professional manner. And if you didn't dress seriously, you weren't taken seriously and all the whining in the world wasn't going to get you anywhere but looking for another job. There was a work wardrobe and a play wardrobe, and nary the 2 shall meet. Which is how it should be. At least that is the way it is in my closet and I hope to set an example for my own kids to meet a higher standard for themselves when they enter the work world. I hope they have enough pride in themselves and their appearance to WANT to present themselves seriously and professionally. Because they are going to need to get jobs and keep jobs. Because God knows I'm not gonna support them. I respect them waaaaaaaaay too much to insult them by NOT insisting they stand on their own 2 feet and support themselves....yup. I love them enough to say get the hell outta my house. 

Dear Snakes...

Dear Snakes of XXXX XXXXXX Drive, XXXXX, XX:

Lets agree on one thing, shall we? I don't like you. Its nothing personal. Its not even something that I have a whole lot of control over. It just is what it is. Fortunately for you, my abhorrence of you works in your favor because I can NEVER get close enough to you to cause you bodily harm. So for that, I say You're Welcome.

In light of my feelings for you, you can surely understand that I do not enjoy or look forward to those rare times when I must encroach upon your "territory".  I'm sure you can recognize and appreciate how far away from your usual resting places I stay. I don't go for strolls in the woods, or on the trail behind the house. I don't go riffling around in the bushes after lost baseballs or footballs. And I sure as hell am not digging through the wood pile or nosing around by the back shed. I have NO desire to disturb you or intrude upon you in any way, shape, or form. 

Unfortunately, sometimes that cannot be avoided. Since the lawnmower is kept in the shed, I do have to go back there from time to time. Trust me, as much as you don't like me there, its no freakin' picnic for me to have to be there either! I try to get in and get out as quickly as possible. So it would be nice if, in return for my consideration, you would return the favor and respectfully stay the hell away from me until I can get my shit and get out of the shed!!!!! Because every time you decide to make your presence known, all you are doing is prolonging the agony and keeping me from leaving sooner. Because I can't concentrate on the task at hand with you in there with me. Because the tears and hyperventilating kinda get in the way. And I want to be out of your way as quickly as possible. So if you can be patient with me and just WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE for me to get out of your way before you go freakin' wiggling and shit all over the goddamn place, it would be really freakin' helpful!

And lets be honest...you don't like me very much either, do you? You think I don't know your little games, but I'm on to you. You can't tell me that you "didn't hear the mower coming". I'm not real clear on where your ears are, exactly, but I believe you have them, somewhere, in some fashion or another, and that you know exactly what you are doing when the mower is coming and you don't freaking get the hell out of the way.  So is it some sort of game you all play? Some modified game of Chicken between you snakes and the mower? Do you draw straws for who has to go out into the path of the mower and stare it down until you are sure I will undoubtably have to see you before you slither away into the shrubs? I'm sure you all have a great laugh together over "making the crazy lady freak out". Well that's all well and good for right now, but it might not be so funny if the next time one of you decides to "make the crazy lady freak out", I have a goddamn shovel in my hand and go all Walking Dead on your ass!!! I don't like to make threats, but lets just say it would be a bad day for you, indeed, if my snake therapy actually starts to work well enough to allow me to get close enough to you to do this. So don't say you haven't been duly warned...

Here's the thing, though. We both live here. And it would seem that neither of us are going anywhere. You certainly don't seem to be going anywhere. And if that 5 foot long freak of nature mutant cousin of yours living next door hasn't gotten rid of me, its a pretty safe bet that I am staying as well. So can we come to some sort of arrangement, or agreement? I will stay away from you if you will stay away from me. I will ONLY go to the shed once a week between May and October to use the lawnmower. And for the 3 hours it takes to cut the grass, you will find something else to do and somewhere else to do it.

I'm not saying we will ever like each other. And I think we can agree that is probably never going to happen. But it would be nice to have some cooperation in making this whole co-habitation shit work, since I am doing you the dual courtesy of 1) NOT killing you and 2) providing you with entertainment and a show every time I catch you looking at me. There are plenty of houses in the neighborhood that would be happy to have you. If you like I will draw you a map so you can find them. I also know some fine young men who would be happy to help you move. I know you can't talk to give me an answer, so I'll just assume that the next time I see you, that is your way of communicating to me that you want to leave. And I will surely do whatever I can to make that happen for you. You're Welcome.

Sincerely,
The Crazy Freak Out Lady

Oh, the Hypocrisy!!

I realize the shit storm I am about to call forth with the content of this post, and I realize that some will probably completely misunderstand what I am saying. In order to minimize this unavoidable outcome, let me preface this with some information. I am against bigotry and discrimination. I don't care what your religion, nationality, race, color, creed, gender, sexual orientation, immigration status, or political affiliation. Hate and intolerance do NOT help in any situation, they only cause harm. I say these things because I can't help but notice some serious hypocrisy going on in the news recently. And it is in pointing out the hypocrisy that I run the risk of being misunderstood.

Donald Sterling is the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers. He made some AWFUL, horribly racist remarks in a taped private conversation. The NBA has handed him a lifetime ban from the sport (and he may be forced to sell the franchise, but this remains to be seen). I get this. It makes sense to me. He has a right to be a racist and a bigot, but he doesn't have the right to be an NBA owner. As an NBA owner, Sterling agreed to abide by the NBA constitution, and therefore can be punished by the commissioner for behavior that is prejudicial or detrimental to the league as a whole. The decision by the commissioner has received widespread public support from just about everywhere - players, other NBA owners, politicians, the media, everywhere. 

Flashback - Not too long ago, another public figure (let's call him...Phil) made bigoted remarks. NOT in private conversation, but directly to the media in a pubic interview. The company HE worked for (let's call it....A&E) decided not to renew his payday. Again, seems to make sense, the message being that this person has the right to be bigoted and hold whatever personal views he has, but he is NOT entitled to receive a paycheck from the company he worked for which doesn't agree with his sentiments and values. Confusingly, the public fall out and backlash was sooooooo NOT the same. In fact the public outrage at his potential loss of paycheck was crazy - like "Oh my God, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had a baby girl and named her North" levels of crazy.

Let me set up the parallels here...
2 men, each man makes disparaging and bigoted remarks that are not supported by the company he works for and do not represent the standards or values that the company wants to be associated with. Both men are informed by their company that they are no longer going to be getting paid by their company and are no longer going to be a part of that company's future. Basically, you do not represent us and we do not want to be associated with the remarks you made and therefore you will no longer be on our payroll.

Seems like the situations are nearly identical. Oh, wait, there is actually one BIG difference. Sterling's comments were made in a private conversation. A conversation he had no reason to believe would ever become made public. Just like a conversation might be had between you and a neighbor while standing at the BBQ grill in your back yard over a beer. Private. Personal. And he is getting a lifetime ban from the NBA. Phil makes his comments in a public interview. Directly to the media. As in, "this isn't an off-the-record conversation that is private between me and a friend, but an openly public statement for aaaaaaall to hear". And everyone freaks out because A&E doesn't want to pay him to represent their company anymore and there are calls to boycott A&E. Because this situation is about free speech and Phil's right to speak his opinions, whether in public OR private. And all kinds of people publicly came to poor Phil's defense, even though A&E was merely exercising THEIR freedom not to have to employ someone who makes publicly bigoted statements that do NOT in any way represent their opinions or values.

What I am wondering is where are all the "freedom of speech" Phil supporters? Why aren't any of them outraged and coming to Donald Sterling's defense? It seems to me that Sterling's punishment for private comments would fall directly in line with their position. I mean, if Phil's publicly stated bigotry should be protected I would definitely think they would be screaming from the rafters to protect a private conversation in which bigoted statements were made. 

So I'm just wondering where all the support for Sterling is. Where is the rally among those who were so vocal in support of Phil? And I can only come to one conclusion. Its ok to be an open and public bigot, but just not a private racist. Its okay to publicly express derogatory comments about homosexuals, but its not okay to make private racist comments. Its freedom of speech to go on the public record with discriminatory remarks regarding sexual orientation, and it should be protected and respected because he was just speaking his mind and expressing his opinion. But its not freedom of speech to make private comments to your girlfriend that are racist, and this should not be protected because he wasn't just speaking his mind and expressing his opinion. It is the height of hypocrisy that the Phil supporters are not out in full force supporting Sterling. Like "I just climbed to the top of Mt. Everest without the use of external oxygen" height. 

The fact that they are no where to be seen leads me to believe that the freedom of speech that was so eloquently espoused for on behalf of Phil only applies to the belief's that they personally agree with. If you agree with Phil's comments regarding homosexuality, its freedom of speech. But if you don't agree with Sterling, its not. So intolerance and discrimination and bigotry are okay when its about a person's sexual orientation, but not okay when its about a person's race? Hypocrisy. 

Both of these men have the right to whatever opinions and beliefs they choose. And both of these men have the right to say whatever they want wherever and whenever they choose. But neither of these men are "entitled" to jobs and paychecks from companies whose values are in opposition to these men's personal views. And ANYONE who was jumping on the "Phil" bandwagon screaming "freedom of speech" all those months ago but who is not willing to do the same public campaigning for Sterling's "freedom of speech" rights, is a hypocrite. I agree with and stand behind the rights of A&E and the NBA. Bigotry and racism do NOT entitle you to a paycheck. But choosing to support Phil and not Sterling is saying bigotry against this group is acceptable but racism against this group is wrong. Guess what? Its ALL wrong. And picking and choosing which ones are supported by free speech and which ones aren't is a hypocrisy I just can't sit back and say nothing about any longer. Even if it does create a shit storm of epic proportions. Heading straight for me. Its okay. I'm used to it. Bring it on.

Pride and Blocking....

I realize I may very well offend someone (or many ones) with this post, so I apologize in advance and this is my personal disclaimer. But I fear I must rant today. To some it may not seem like a very important or necessary topic to rant about, but I must get it off my chest nonetheless. Quite simply, it boils down to this: Don't tell me what to post on my Facebook page. Just. Don't. And more specifically, don't bitch about how annoying you find my running posts to be.

Here's the thing. I'd say I'm sorry that my posts about how far I ran today are annoying to you, but I'm really not sorry. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I'm proud of how far I ran today. I'm proud of that accomplishment. Because 3 years ago I was 40 pounds overweight, unhappy, out of shape, with bad knees and a bad attitude. I wanted to start a running program I heard about, the Couch to 5K program, but I was so embarrassed by my appearance I couldn't bring myself to run out in public. So I started out doing laps in my privacy fenced-in back yard. Now 3 years later, I just have bad knees and a bad attitude, and I can run 4+ miles at a time, confidently and in public, and I am proud of that accomplishment. And I'm not sorry if that accomplishment annoys you. 

Because I'm going to be as proud of that accomplishment as you are of all yours. I mean, seriously, if you can be proud of the fact that you just prepared a vegan, organic, gluten-free, 7 course meal for your family using only raw free-range ingredients grown by local farmers, I can be proud of my run. If you can be post with pride that your child is now sleeping through the night, or potty trained, or meeting some other milestone, I can post my run with pride. If you can post pictures of drinks you and your friends have consumed while out partying your brains out, I refuse to be believe that my run postings are the most annoying thing on your news feed. If you can proudly post links to every political hot-button issue out there and your personal political opinion on each and every issue, I can be proud of and post my personal achievements. If you can post pictures from Pinterest of craft ideas that haven't a shot in hell of EVER being duplicated accurately in any version of reality, I can post about something that I was actually able to do in real life.

I'm not naive. I get that sometimes the things that I think are "post worthy" might not seem "post worthy" to others. But rather than imply that YOUR vision of Facebook posting should be everyone else's vision of Facebook posting by sending up messages that say I shouldn't post about my run unless I was being chased by something, perhaps you could understand that maybe its not your place to judge what I do or do not post. And if you have  a real, substantial, and serious problem with my run posts, here's a suggestion: Block. Me. Yup, block my ass right the hell off your page. Just like I do when I don't like something, or it becomes too much, or too annoying. Rather than make passive-aggressive posts on Facebook about how annoying I find it to be, I just block that shit. Why the hell should they give a shit about my opinion? Why the hell should my opinion on what they post matter to them? Who the hell am I to tell them they should or shouldn't post whatever annoying shit they are posting? Exactly. So you won't be surprised to learn that I don't give a shit about your opinion that my run postings are annoying. Your opinion of my run postings really doesn't matter to me because I am proud of what those posts mean to ME and MY journey. And I'm not really sure who the hell you think you are trying to imply that I should structure MY Facebook posts around what will or will not annoy YOU. 

So block me. Because I will continue to post the accomplishments I am proud of. I will continue to post things that relate to me on a personal and meaningful level. And I will continue to run when I run and post about it if I choose. And I will continue to read about your menu for last nights dinner, your child's band/chorus/play performance, your most recent vacation or girls/boys night out, your latest craft project/home renovation, and the latest political survey/poll/article/issue you find important and relevant. And when it gets too much, have no fear - I will not hesitate to block your ass whenever I feel necessary. Just as I encourage you to do. 

Don't be an asshole and suck

Raising kids is hard. It really is. And most of us worry constantly that we aren't doing a good enough job. And honestly, I think we should worry about that. Because it shows that we care about the job we are doing. I don't mean stress and fret constantly and hover endlessly and freak out over every little thing. That just freaks the kids out and solves nothing. But, I think to worry and ponder and wonder what we could be doing differently or better means we are willing to recognize that there is always room for improvement. And not worrying about it shows a distinct lack of interest in the subject.

I wish there were a guide book or manual for parenting. One that lays it all out - what to do, how to do it, when to do it, where to do it, and then gives complete examples with full color illustrations of what NOT to do, how NOT to do it, when NOT to do it, and where NOT to do it. Basically, how NOT to suck at parenting. I got a book like this for a friend of mine who was having her first baby. It covered some of the real basics, like using a towel to dry a baby after a bath instead of a microwave. And showed the correct way to hold a baby in your arms, not by clutching the baby's head bowling-ball style. And which end the bottle goes for correct feeding. I don't think she needed all of this information, per se, but I'm sure it didn't hurt. But unfortunately I think those who would benefit most from such a manual wouldn't bother to take the time to read it. Too many words. Takes too long. 

I think I can boil not sucking at parenting down into its simplest form. 

Don't be an asshole.

There. If you, as a parent, are ever in a situation where you wonder what the right thing to do is, just don't be an asshole. All of the recommendations in the book I got my friend really just boil down to not being an asshole, really. Cuz only an asshole puts a baby in a microwave, or carries it around by its head, or shoves a bottle in its butt. Think about it. Any situation where a kid is mistreated, abused, bullied, ridiculed, harassed, or otherwise made to feel like shit, I bet when you get right down to the core of it, there was a person being an asshole. 

If your kid is sick, don't be an asshole and sit by idly watching him/her get sicker and sicker or worse yet, die. Take the kid to a doctor.

If your baby is crying, don't be an asshole and lock it in a closet, kick it, throw it, smack it, shake it, toss it out a window, or smother it with a pillow, so you can watch TV or nap in peace. Change its diaper, give it a bottle, or maybe even hold it and show it some love and attention.

If your kids grades suck, don't be an asshole and tell the kid he/she is stupid and not trying hard enough. Find out what he/she needs and maybe help him/her.

And if you don't like kids, don't be an asshole and HAVE them. Do something else with your life.

Because when adults are assholes around kids, the kids are much more likely to be assholes. If a kid has an asshole dad who thinks its ok to beat up mom, this kid is more likely to grow up an asshole who thinks its ok to beat up women. Someone eventually has to NOT be an asshole and break the cycle. The earlier in the cycle someone stops being an asshole, the better. 

And no one is born an asshole. Assholes are created through learned behavior. Either because its what they were taught and what they were brought up to believe was acceptable behavior, or because no one took the time or the effort to correct them when they made an assholic decision. 

No parent wants to suck. And no parent wants to believe that they suck, even in the face of mountains of evidence that all point toward their suckage. But I think we all suck at times as parents. None of us are perfect, and we all have our moments where we don't say or do the right thing. And most parents feel bad about that, and try to talk to their kids about it and apologize for their mistakes. This is an example of "not being an asshole" by a parent. Because kids need to learn that its ok to make mistakes and screw up as long as they take responsibility for it and apologize and attempt to make amends or fix it. 

If they see their parents imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are more likely to see their own imperfections as an acceptable part of being human. 
And if they can see their own imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are more likely to see other's imperfections as an acceptable part of being human. 
And if they can see other's imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are less likely to feel the need to bully others, insult others, tear others down, humiliate others, berate and belittle others, or take joy in other's pain, just to feel a little bit better about themselves. 

I wish more parents understood the importance that "not being an asshole" holds in both not sucking as a parent and in raising a kid who is not an asshole. Because what this world needs is fewer sucky parents and fewer assholes. I think I have just solved the problem of world peace. Fewer sucky parents and fewer assholes.