Dear Snakes of XXXX XXXXXX Drive, XXXXX, XX:
Lets agree on one thing, shall we? I don't like you. Its nothing personal. Its not even something that I have a whole lot of control over. It just is what it is. Fortunately for you, my abhorrence of you works in your favor because I can NEVER get close enough to you to cause you bodily harm. So for that, I say You're Welcome.
In light of my feelings for you, you can surely understand that I do not enjoy or look forward to those rare times when I must encroach upon your "territory". I'm sure you can recognize and appreciate how far away from your usual resting places I stay. I don't go for strolls in the woods, or on the trail behind the house. I don't go riffling around in the bushes after lost baseballs or footballs. And I sure as hell am not digging through the wood pile or nosing around by the back shed. I have NO desire to disturb you or intrude upon you in any way, shape, or form.
Unfortunately, sometimes that cannot be avoided. Since the lawnmower is kept in the shed, I do have to go back there from time to time. Trust me, as much as you don't like me there, its no freakin' picnic for me to have to be there either! I try to get in and get out as quickly as possible. So it would be nice if, in return for my consideration, you would return the favor and respectfully stay the hell away from me until I can get my shit and get out of the shed!!!!! Because every time you decide to make your presence known, all you are doing is prolonging the agony and keeping me from leaving sooner. Because I can't concentrate on the task at hand with you in there with me. Because the tears and hyperventilating kinda get in the way. And I want to be out of your way as quickly as possible. So if you can be patient with me and just WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE for me to get out of your way before you go freakin' wiggling and shit all over the goddamn place, it would be really freakin' helpful!
And lets be honest...you don't like me very much either, do you? You think I don't know your little games, but I'm on to you. You can't tell me that you "didn't hear the mower coming". I'm not real clear on where your ears are, exactly, but I believe you have them, somewhere, in some fashion or another, and that you know exactly what you are doing when the mower is coming and you don't freaking get the hell out of the way. So is it some sort of game you all play? Some modified game of Chicken between you snakes and the mower? Do you draw straws for who has to go out into the path of the mower and stare it down until you are sure I will undoubtably have to see you before you slither away into the shrubs? I'm sure you all have a great laugh together over "making the crazy lady freak out". Well that's all well and good for right now, but it might not be so funny if the next time one of you decides to "make the crazy lady freak out", I have a goddamn shovel in my hand and go all Walking Dead on your ass!!! I don't like to make threats, but lets just say it would be a bad day for you, indeed, if my snake therapy actually starts to work well enough to allow me to get close enough to you to do this. So don't say you haven't been duly warned...
Here's the thing, though. We both live here. And it would seem that neither of us are going anywhere. You certainly don't seem to be going anywhere. And if that 5 foot long freak of nature mutant cousin of yours living next door hasn't gotten rid of me, its a pretty safe bet that I am staying as well. So can we come to some sort of arrangement, or agreement? I will stay away from you if you will stay away from me. I will ONLY go to the shed once a week between May and October to use the lawnmower. And for the 3 hours it takes to cut the grass, you will find something else to do and somewhere else to do it.
I'm not saying we will ever like each other. And I think we can agree that is probably never going to happen. But it would be nice to have some cooperation in making this whole co-habitation shit work, since I am doing you the dual courtesy of 1) NOT killing you and 2) providing you with entertainment and a show every time I catch you looking at me. There are plenty of houses in the neighborhood that would be happy to have you. If you like I will draw you a map so you can find them. I also know some fine young men who would be happy to help you move. I know you can't talk to give me an answer, so I'll just assume that the next time I see you, that is your way of communicating to me that you want to leave. And I will surely do whatever I can to make that happen for you. You're Welcome.
Sincerely,
The Crazy Freak Out Lady
