Raising kids is hard. It really is. And most of us worry constantly that we aren't doing a good enough job. And honestly, I think we should worry about that. Because it shows that we care about the job we are doing. I don't mean stress and fret constantly and hover endlessly and freak out over every little thing. That just freaks the kids out and solves nothing. But, I think to worry and ponder and wonder what we could be doing differently or better means we are willing to recognize that there is always room for improvement. And not worrying about it shows a distinct lack of interest in the subject.
I wish there were a guide book or manual for parenting. One that lays it all out - what to do, how to do it, when to do it, where to do it, and then gives complete examples with full color illustrations of what NOT to do, how NOT to do it, when NOT to do it, and where NOT to do it. Basically, how NOT to suck at parenting. I got a book like this for a friend of mine who was having her first baby. It covered some of the real basics, like using a towel to dry a baby after a bath instead of a microwave. And showed the correct way to hold a baby in your arms, not by clutching the baby's head bowling-ball style. And which end the bottle goes for correct feeding. I don't think she needed all of this information, per se, but I'm sure it didn't hurt. But unfortunately I think those who would benefit most from such a manual wouldn't bother to take the time to read it. Too many words. Takes too long.
I think I can boil not sucking at parenting down into its simplest form.
Don't be an asshole.
There. If you, as a parent, are ever in a situation where you wonder what the right thing to do is, just don't be an asshole. All of the recommendations in the book I got my friend really just boil down to not being an asshole, really. Cuz only an asshole puts a baby in a microwave, or carries it around by its head, or shoves a bottle in its butt. Think about it. Any situation where a kid is mistreated, abused, bullied, ridiculed, harassed, or otherwise made to feel like shit, I bet when you get right down to the core of it, there was a person being an asshole.
If your kid is sick, don't be an asshole and sit by idly watching him/her get sicker and sicker or worse yet, die. Take the kid to a doctor.
If your baby is crying, don't be an asshole and lock it in a closet, kick it, throw it, smack it, shake it, toss it out a window, or smother it with a pillow, so you can watch TV or nap in peace. Change its diaper, give it a bottle, or maybe even hold it and show it some love and attention.
If your kids grades suck, don't be an asshole and tell the kid he/she is stupid and not trying hard enough. Find out what he/she needs and maybe help him/her.
And if you don't like kids, don't be an asshole and HAVE them. Do something else with your life.
Because when adults are assholes around kids, the kids are much more likely to be assholes. If a kid has an asshole dad who thinks its ok to beat up mom, this kid is more likely to grow up an asshole who thinks its ok to beat up women. Someone eventually has to NOT be an asshole and break the cycle. The earlier in the cycle someone stops being an asshole, the better.
And no one is born an asshole. Assholes are created through learned behavior. Either because its what they were taught and what they were brought up to believe was acceptable behavior, or because no one took the time or the effort to correct them when they made an assholic decision.
No parent wants to suck. And no parent wants to believe that they suck, even in the face of mountains of evidence that all point toward their suckage. But I think we all suck at times as parents. None of us are perfect, and we all have our moments where we don't say or do the right thing. And most parents feel bad about that, and try to talk to their kids about it and apologize for their mistakes. This is an example of "not being an asshole" by a parent. Because kids need to learn that its ok to make mistakes and screw up as long as they take responsibility for it and apologize and attempt to make amends or fix it.
If they see their parents imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are more likely to see their own imperfections as an acceptable part of being human.
And if they can see their own imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are more likely to see other's imperfections as an acceptable part of being human.
And if they can see other's imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are less likely to feel the need to bully others, insult others, tear others down, humiliate others, berate and belittle others, or take joy in other's pain, just to feel a little bit better about themselves.
I wish more parents understood the importance that "not being an asshole" holds in both not sucking as a parent and in raising a kid who is not an asshole. Because what this world needs is fewer sucky parents and fewer assholes. I think I have just solved the problem of world peace. Fewer sucky parents and fewer assholes.
