I'm just as guilty of the "parenting double standard" as anyone else. My kids have seen me on my cell phone while driving, and then heard me say "Don't ever do that." My kids have heard my potty mouth, and know they get in trouble for saying anything more strenuous than "darn" or "shoot". Its not easy. Its not easy to always always always be that example. To always be vigilant that eyes are watching and ears are listening. Its easy to forget and call your husband a jerk face, and when he complains, tell him "Well at least I didn't call you a D-bag." and then have your 5 year old walk around the corner, look at her father and say "Yeah, D-bag." Or so I've heard....
As adults, we understand its a double standard. And being adults, we are better equipped to weed out the information that is contradictory to what we know is right and true. But kids don't have this ability. And if the adults in their lives aren't helping them do it and learn the skills necessary to do it for themselves down the road, we are going to end up with an entire generation of confused, scared, and completely illogical people who couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
I've been seeing a lot of articles lately on kids and what they struggle with growing up, and how bombarded they are with all the mixed messages they receive, especially in the realm of character education. We want to teach our kids to behave with character, but sometimes I don't think we understand how confusing we make it. Because there are different character rules depending on who you are with, where you are, and what is going on around you. And we expect kids to be able to navigate all of these variables and just innately understand what applies when and how and why. For example...
1. We want our daughters to know that true beauty comes from within. That it's how they treat others that makes them beautiful people. We want them to value their character more than they value external physical beauty. But what message do we send them when we surround them with women who wouldn't DARE go out of their houses in the morning without their "face" on and their hair done and their clothes perfectly coordinated? How are they supposed to value internal character over external appearance when we demonstrate to them constantly that external appearance is so crucially important to us? We want them to have confidence and self esteem and inner strength, but we don't have enough in ourselves to go to a little kids soccer game without being glammed up from head to toe. They SEE this. And it matters more to them then the empty words coming out of our mouths. Words they see US refusing to live by.
2. We tell our kids that asking for help isn't weakness. That if they are having a problem, they should go to a parent, a teacher, a coach, a neighbor, someone who they trust and they will get help and support. Especially in this day and age when we are supposed to be so vigilant about bullying, we encourage them to tell someone and assure them that help will come. But what message are we sending them when they DO tell and then tell them they shouldn't "tattle"? Or with older kids, make them feel like they just need to "toughen up" or get a thicker skin, or that there is something wrong with them for letting it bother them? We have attached a stigma to the bullying victim that is disturbing. They are viewed as weak, not tough enough, maladjusted, lacking. We spend so much time focusing on "fixing" the victim as if the problem was with them (teaching them to stand up for themselves, giving them the "tools" necessary to handle it and deal with it). These kids see us trying to fix the problem by focusing on them. Which translates to "the victim is the problem which needs to be fixed". Which is complete and utter bullshit. We ALL know the problem is with the bully, but instead of focusing on fixing the bully and STOPPING the behavior, we focus on fixing the victim so they can better tolerate the continuance of a behavior that we all recognize as being TOTALLY WRONG. It literally makes my head want to explode.
3. We tell kids that "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me", implying that a person is defective or weird or wrong if they ever DO get hurt by the unkind words of another person. Physical wounds are acceptable because we all know they hurt, but internal wounds aren't real and don't count. I want to throat punch the asshole who decided that it was a good idea to tell kids about sticks and stones and all that bullshit. I guaran-damn-tee you that physical wounds heal a helluva lot faster than word wounds. Cutting is becoming dangerously popular among younger and younger kids as a way of giving a physical wound to the internal pain that is being felt. We minimize the importance and significance of the internal pain caused by the words of others, so these kids are cutting themselves in order for their pain to be noticed and validated and considered real. Pain from a physical wound is acceptable so they make their internal pain external so they can feel justified in feeling it. It breaks my heart.
I can only do what I can do for my kids. And I know I can do better. I can let my daughter know that I feel just as beautiful and worthy when I go to the grocery store in my yoga pants and jacked up hair, as I do when I go out to dinner with my hair done and my "face" on. I can tell her that I don't need make up to be pretty (and neither does she) but that sometimes its fun to dress up and look "glamorous". I can set a better example of this. I can also reassure all my kids that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, contrary to what they might think. I can teach them the skills they need to handle their own problems and conflicts, and I can encourage them to stand independently to fight their own battles. But I can show them every day that reaching out for help in those conflicts and battles is a sign of inner strength. Knowing our own limitations is one of the strongest and bravest things we can do, and I can do a better job of conveying this important lesson to them through my own actions. I can also remind them that feelings are normal and acceptable and valid, regardless of how they come about or anyone else's ideas about them. I can teach them the tools they need to learn that healthy relationships encourage the expression of feelings and that emotions are a valued gift. I can help them understand appropriate behaviors for the expression of their feelings so they don't feel the need to hide them or be ashamed of them.
I don't like looking at my kids futures as all doom and gloom. I don't like that I worry about how much harder my kids have it now than I did at their age. I didn't have to worry about cyber-bullying and texting and tweeting and messaging and on and on and on. I just had to worry about surviving a ride standing up in the back of my neighbor's pick up truck. Or avoiding getting an intestinal parasite from drinking water straight from the hose. Or not getting impaled by Jarts. You know, the simple things back when life was easy.
No comments:
Post a Comment