I think its a safe assumption that most, if not all, kids learn the difference between good choices and poor choices from the adults around them. As adults we can use words to help get this message across, by talking about choices and using teachable moments to reflect on what might have been a better choice in the moment. We can refer to other people's actions as examples of either what to do or what not to do. But I think the most powerful way we help kids is by example. I can talk until I'm blue in the face but my words mean next to nothing if the kids in my life don't see me following those words up with corresponding actions. The whole "do as I say, not as I do" is a crock of shit, and everyone who has ever been told this as a kid knows it. A hundred positive words can be undone by one negative or unkind action. So no matter how many times we tell kids what they should do in a given situation, and what a good choice would be, all it takes is one example of that same adult doing the opposite to erase any memory of the "good choice lessons". Its like kids are Jenga. Stack up all the good ideas, positive interactions, praise, and lessons about appropriate behavior that you can find. All it takes is that one time - that one negative pot-shot, that one time we set a poor example with our actions, that one name called, that single instance where we inadvertently show them through our actions that it is worth it to go with a bad choice - and the tower comes falling down. And we are left at square one. Starting over. Trying to rebuild all the positive progress that has just been undone in that one single regrettable moment.
As parents, I think we all strive to set positive examples for our kids in every way possible. We show them how to treat others by how WE treat others. We show them how to talk to others by how WE talk to others. We show them how to handle their frustrations by how WE handle our frustrations. We show them how to celebrate by how WE celebrate. We show them how to love by how WE love. We can also hope that the other important people in our children's lives understand this same concept and follow it. Because kids are influenced and taught about these important life lessons by more than just their parents. They have teachers, coaches, parents of friends, adult relatives, television, movies, video games, books, peers, siblings....the list goes on and on and on. Some of these influences we, as parents, have some control over. I can control what my kids see on TV, or in movies, or what video games (if any) they play, or what books they read. When they are younger, I can have some influence over who their friends are, or at least who they play with at MY house. However, I can not control how other people choose to behave around them. I can only hope and pray that when other people are around my kids, they want to do the right thing and behave the right way and set the right example for them.
But I'm a realist. I know that sometimes, mistakes happen. Examples get set that we wish hadn't. Things get royally screwed up. Ironically, this is the most important opportunity we have. Especially if you are the screwer-upper. This is when you get to demonstrate how to accept responsibility for your screw up. And the biggest part of accepting responsibility is being able to say I'm sorry. Not providing a play by play of how it happened or explaining why you did what you did. Just simply, I'm sorry. Because explaining "how" or "why" you made the choice you did is NOT accepting responsibility for "what" you did. Sure, it helps me understand your intentions, but it doesn't change anything. Explaining that you didn't mean to hit your brother in the head with a rock, and describing how it happened, doesn't change the fact that I am taking him to the hospital for stitches. Saying that it wasn't your intention spray Febreze in your brother's eyes, because you weren't aiming for them, doesn't change the fact that he has Febreze in his eyes and can't see right now. Saying you didn't mean to break my favorite vase when you were touching something you were not supposed to be touching doesn't put the vase back together. Saying I didn't mean to eat all the Oreos in one sitting, but that I'm pms-ing like a crazy person and we are all out of wine and potato chips, doesn't put the Oreos back in the box. Capisce? So sometimes the most important thing, the most valuable part is unfortunately what seems to be the hardest part - the simple I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry if what I said or did caused you pain or discomfort or distress. And regardless of my intentions, I recognize that you are hurting as a result of my actions and I'm sorry for that.
If there were more adults who could say these words to kids, there might be more kids who know how to say that to each other. There might be more kids taking responsibility for their own actions because they see its not a WEAKNESS or CHARACTER FLAW to say I made a mistake and did/said something that I shouldn't have. If we as adults act like it is a weakness or a character flaw, so will kids. And so perpetuates the cycle. I hope my kids learn this overall lesson from me by example. By watching me and hearing me say I'm sorry, I screwed up, I shouldn't have done that or said that or behaved that way. I know I'm not perfect but by and large, I hope they see that sometimes being the bigger person means saying I'm sorry, even if you didn't mean to do whatever it is that was done. I also hope that the other adults they encounter will be able to do the same thing. Because there is nothing sadder or more pathetic than an adult who is caught in a mistake but can't admit it. Who can't take responsibility. Who can't simply say I'm sorry.
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