You do it on purpose, don't you? I'm convinced of it. You must. And I know why. I'm on to you. And if you think that I'm not passive-aggressive enough in my psychosis to keep coming back JUST to keep provoking your attempts at sabotage, you are even more deludedly naive than I thought. I'll keep coming. You can keep trying to annoy me. But I guarandamntee that I can out crazy you. I might even arrange my schedule in such a way that I can come back EVERY motherlovin' DAY. How does that sound, crappy-Walmart-grocery-bagging-lady?!?!
I understand that me and my cloth grocery bags are annoying and inconvenient for you. Instead of being able to mindlessly throw my groceries into those plastic bags conveniently located on your little spinny wheel, you have to set the bag up and, in THEORY, pay attention to the things you are putting in there. And this takes up more time. It holds up your line. It means people have to wait a bit longer for their turn to stand under your blank stare and watch you throw a jar of spaghetti sauce on top of their eggs and bread. I'm sorry. Really I am. And I show it by offering to help in whatever way I can. Setting the bags up for you on the hooky things on your spinny wheel. Removing the bags as soon as they are full and replacing it with an empty one. I will even lift heavy stuff up on occasion so you don't have to be inconvenienced further by having to walk ALL THE WAY around to my cart with your scanney gun. I say "on occasion" because I have a problem with you giving me attitude and expecting me to do this when your scanney gun is detached from your register to make it easier for you to use it in JUST such a situation. But I digress.....
I don't like inconveniencing you like that. And I normally don't even do any grocery shopping here. But YOUR STORE sells these bags. In fact, my bags were purchased at Walmart. So if you don't like having to deal with customers and their cloth grocery bags, perhaps - JUST perhaps - you should inform YOUR employer that they should quit providing these nuisances to the shopping public.
I would also like you to consider the alternative to my annoying cloth bags ... your shitty plastic bags. The ones you can't even get off of your little spinny thing without half of the handles ripping. If YOU can't use them without breaking them, how exactly is it that you think I should be expected to get $150 worth of groceries off your spinny thing, into my cart, loaded into my car, and carried into my house, ALL without losing at least $75 in groceries splattered on the floor at your store entrance, throughout your parking lot, and all over my driveway?? That's right. You can't.
And don't try to lie to me. You know they are shitty. Don't even TRY it. I'm not stupid. I see what you are doing. Why else would you put only 3 items MAX in each bag? Which results in me having approximately 37 bags of groceries to carry in? And over half of them with a rip forming in the bottom corner, or one (or both) of the handles already ripped? Because they are shitty. And we BOTH know it.
So with all of this information in mind, I am 100% sure you could be less obvious in your frustration and disdain for my cloth bags. Subtlety ain't your strong suit, is it? When you pretend it makes sense to lay a jar on its side in the bottom and then act like its a good idea to try and balance my yogurt 4-packs on top of it, all with a 3 lb bag of sugar on the top, you lose your advantage. I see your passive aggressive. And I raise you one OCD petty vindictive bitch with a penchant for being willing to waste more of my own time as long as I know it will further inconvenience the ass hat who is currently making my life difficult.
Oh yes. Yes I will. I will stand here and rearrange my bags. Right here in your line. I will NOT attempt to balance my grocery bags in my cart, or my car, or on my kitchen counter like a Jenga game being played on a table covered in marbles. Because if I'm going to clean up an exploded butter container, I'll be damned if I'm going to do it because of YOUR lazy ass. Its going to be because of my OWN lazy ass minions. The ones who will then get a "learning experience" regarding how difficult it is to clean exploded butter off of.....well, anything. Because trying to balance shit that is square or flat on top of things that are round DOESN'T work. As evidenced by the gallon of milk that slipped out of your one hand and splattered all over the floor as you tried to balance my grocery bag on the counter with your other hand. The bag in which you placed a cereal box on its side on TOP of some bagels and jars of salsa (on their sides, naturally) all balanced precariously on a bag of frozen chicken at the very bottom of the bag.
I'm willing to play if you want to. I'm a stay at home mom who doesn't "get out" much and has to find her fun wherever and whenever she can. And if you want to taunt me with your bullshit grocery bag packing, I'm your huckleberry (random Doc Holliday quote from Tombstone...) I will seek you out. I will make sure its YOUR line I go to, even if its the longest one in the store. I will come more often, making sure you have to deal with me and my annoying cloth bags on a sickeningly regular basis. And I can do all of this with a cranky 6 year old in tow. One who has just been informed that not ONLY will I NOT buy her a new princess anything, I will have also just cancelled our previously scheduled happy meal run. Don't worry about her, though. After her glorious performance in your checkout line where she convinces everyone within the store that she is physically dying AND has the most cruel and torturous mother on the planet, she will be duly rewarded. But not before wreaking havoc on your day, your eardrums, and your full day's supply of patience. And I am just the crazy bitch to do it too.
So go ahead and test me. I dare you. See you tomorrow.
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