Some of you might not know this about me, but I come from a fairly sarcastic family. As a result, sarcasm is pretty much an established fixture at all family holidays and gatherings. Over the years, one of my kids favorite traditions is pointing out the various ways in which a particular holiday or occasion has been "ruined!" by someone. Usually me. And to have the appropriate effect, you must declare in your most exasperated voice "Oh Great! Now its ruined!" This works for birthdays, holidays, sunday dinners, vacations...just about any time family is together.
Sometimes, this accusation is justifiable. Like the Thanksgiving when I forgot to thaw the turkey. And we spent about 7 hours with a turkey in the bathtub trying to get it thawed enough for it to be cookable, and still have enough time to eat dinner before midnight. Other times, a person can be called out for merely not making enough gravy. Its a tough crowd. Be-LIEVE me! Over the years, there have been a plethora of "ruined" holidays that all went down in a variety of ways, some more epic than others. These are some of the ways I have learned over the years to "ruin!" a holiday or special occasion for my kids...
1. When doing a last minute (like, Christmas Eve level of "last minute") gift tag shuffle, thanks to some family members who opted to purchase an item already allotted to a different person, thus forcing me to try to avoid a kid opening 2 of the same things, you can accidentally leave the original "To:--- From:---" gift tag on it even though this gift has now been re-allotted to being from Santa. So the kid opens his "santa gift" only to see a tag written in Mom's handwriting, indicating its from another family member. Not only does this "ruin" the Christmas in question, but has the added benefit of epically ruining all future Christmases by, in one fell swoop, dashing the childhood fantasy of Santa forever. Totally Epic.
2. Although not officially my fault, you can get your oven/stove to go kaput the week before Thanksgiving (or any holiday), thus resulting in a complete inability to provide any of the expected traditional holiday menu selections, and starting a new tradition (which thankfully lasted only the one year) of ribs in a crock pot, powdered mashed potatoes made in a microwave, salad, and bread for Thanksgiving followed by ice cream instead of pie.
3. Not enough gravy. Or biscuits. Apparently these items are of near critical importance.
4. After promising the traditional Christmas morning breakfast of homemade french toast, you can realize you are completely out of syrup. So make your 13 year old go with you, at 7:30am in your pajamas, to every quick stop, gas station, grocery, convenience store, and Walmart in the area looking for someplace that is not only OPEN, but that also stocks syrup. When you don't find any (because you won't find any), offer to make alternate breakfast options only to be told that its not "really Christmas" without the french toast and that the day will be, you guessed it, "ruined!" without a breakfast of french toast. Said kid will now have to canvas the neighborhood looking for a neighbor who is not only up at the ass-crack of dawn, but who also has a surplus of syrup on hand that they are willing to part with. All before you have had your morning Diet Coke. Or coffee. Or whatever your morning drug of choice is.
5. Accidentally mix up the color selections. And put the 10 year old's sweatshirt (in HIS color choice) in the 13 year old's box, and the 13 year old's sweatshirt (in HIS color choice) in the 10 year old's box. Oh the horror.
6. Forget to take pictures. That is a classic that can be reused year after year. Not that I would know this. Just speculation.
7. Make your family celebrate Christmas in Alabama. Nuf said.
8. Forget to hide the Christmas pickle. In fact, if you do this often enough, you can actually ruin the tradition of "forgetting to hide the Christmas pickle" by actually hiding the damn thing, and pissing everyone off for making them look for it.
9. Forget to actually have a prize/gift item for the kid who finds the Christmas pickle the one time you remember to hide it. This can set you up nicely for future Christmases when they don't know what to expect from the pickle situation in years to come (did she hide it? or didn't she? will there be anything for me if she DID hide it? or will it all be for nothing in the end anyway?)
10. Insist that the children wait for you to complete a 5 mile run before being able to open Christmas presents. Even if you don't follow through with it, the looks on their faces when you tell them this will be totally worth it. The longer you can keep a straight face the better. If you have running attire, I recommend putting it on so as to really "sell it".
11. Burn the pies.
12. Let the kids watch a movie, like Gremlins for instance, on Christmas Eve without remembering the part in the movie where the girl gives a speech about why she doesn't like Christmas that ends with "...and that's how I learned that Santa Claus wasn't real." The look on your 6 year old's face will be priceless.
13. Forget whose turn it is to put the Army ornament on the tree this year. Ask the 10 year old and 13 year old to work it out by themselves. This is so much fun, in fact, that it might even be enough to "ruin" the entire week before Christmas.
14. Remind a child under the age of 6, while in the middle of midnight mass, that there is nothing you can do about the fact that he/she is suddenly dying of hunger, since you don't have any food items stashed in your purse. This can make a "come to Jesus" moment much more convenient, since you are already at Jesus' place. And apparently, its a lot of fun for the other parishioners seated in your vicinity as well. By the way, pointing out to a child in this situation that Santa is, in fact, still watching and has time to bypass said child's home will NOT help the situation. Unless by help you mean "escalates the situation exponentially". Then, yes. It helps.
I hope this helps you all ruin your family holidays as much as it has helped me ruin them for mine. Happy Holidays.
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