Great. Christmas is RUINED. Again.

Some of you might not know this about me, but I come from a fairly sarcastic family. As a result, sarcasm is pretty much an established fixture at all family holidays and gatherings. Over the years, one of my kids favorite traditions is pointing out the various ways in which a particular holiday or occasion has been "ruined!" by someone. Usually me. And to have the appropriate effect, you must declare in your most exasperated voice "Oh Great! Now its ruined!" This works for birthdays, holidays, sunday dinners, vacations...just about any time family is together. 

Sometimes, this accusation is justifiable. Like the Thanksgiving when I forgot to thaw the turkey. And we spent about 7 hours with a turkey in the bathtub trying to get it thawed enough for it to be cookable, and still have enough time to eat dinner before midnight. Other times, a person can be called out for merely not making enough gravy. Its a tough crowd. Be-LIEVE me! Over the years, there have been a plethora of "ruined" holidays that all went down in a variety of ways, some more epic than others. These are some of the ways I have learned over the years to "ruin!" a holiday or special occasion for my kids...

1. When doing a last minute (like, Christmas Eve level of "last minute") gift tag shuffle, thanks to some family members who opted to purchase an item already allotted to a different person, thus forcing me to try to avoid a kid opening 2 of the same things, you can accidentally leave the original "To:--- From:---" gift tag on it even though this gift has now been re-allotted to being from Santa. So the kid opens his "santa gift" only to see a tag written in Mom's handwriting, indicating its from another family member. Not only does this "ruin" the Christmas in question, but has the added benefit of epically ruining all future Christmases by, in one fell swoop, dashing the childhood fantasy of Santa forever. Totally Epic.

2. Although not officially my fault, you can get your oven/stove to go kaput the week before Thanksgiving (or any holiday), thus resulting in a complete inability to provide any of the expected traditional holiday menu selections, and starting a new tradition (which thankfully lasted only the one year) of ribs in a crock pot, powdered mashed potatoes made in a microwave, salad, and bread for Thanksgiving followed by ice cream instead of pie.

3. Not enough gravy. Or biscuits. Apparently these items are of near critical importance.

4. After promising the traditional Christmas morning breakfast of homemade french toast, you can realize you are completely out of syrup. So make your 13 year old go with you, at 7:30am in your pajamas, to every quick stop, gas station, grocery, convenience store, and Walmart in the area looking for someplace that is not only OPEN, but that also stocks syrup. When you don't find any (because you won't find any), offer to make alternate breakfast options only to be told that its not "really Christmas" without the french toast and that the day will be, you guessed it, "ruined!" without a breakfast of french toast.  Said kid will now have to canvas the neighborhood looking for a neighbor who is not only up at the ass-crack of dawn, but who also has a surplus of syrup on hand that they are willing to part with. All before you have had your morning Diet Coke. Or coffee. Or whatever your morning drug of choice is.

5. Accidentally mix up the color selections. And put the 10 year old's sweatshirt (in HIS color choice) in the 13 year old's box, and the 13 year old's sweatshirt (in HIS color choice) in the 10 year old's box. Oh the horror.

6. Forget to take pictures. That is a classic that can be reused year after year. Not that I would know this. Just speculation.

7. Make your family celebrate Christmas in Alabama. Nuf said.

8. Forget to hide the Christmas pickle. In fact, if you do this often enough, you can actually ruin the tradition of "forgetting to hide the Christmas pickle" by actually hiding the damn thing, and pissing everyone off for making them look for it. 

9. Forget to actually have a prize/gift item for the kid who finds the Christmas pickle the one time you remember to hide it. This can set you up nicely for future Christmases when they don't know what to expect from the pickle situation in years to come (did she hide it? or didn't she? will there be anything for me if she DID hide it? or will it all be for nothing in the end anyway?)

10. Insist that the children wait for you to complete a 5 mile run before being able to open Christmas presents. Even if you don't follow through with it, the looks on their faces when you tell them this will be totally worth it. The longer you can keep a straight face the better. If you have running attire, I recommend putting it on so as to really "sell it".

11. Burn the pies. 

12. Let the kids watch a movie, like Gremlins for instance, on Christmas Eve without remembering the part in the movie where the girl gives a speech about why she doesn't like Christmas that ends with "...and that's how I learned that Santa Claus wasn't real." The look on your 6 year old's face will be priceless.

13. Forget whose turn it is to put the Army ornament on the tree this year. Ask the 10 year old and 13 year old to work it out by themselves. This is so much fun, in fact, that it might even be enough to "ruin" the entire week before Christmas.

14. Remind a child under the age of 6, while in the middle of midnight mass, that there is nothing you can do about the fact that he/she is suddenly dying of hunger, since you don't have any food items stashed in your purse. This can make a "come to Jesus" moment much more convenient, since you are already at Jesus' place. And apparently, its a lot of fun for the other parishioners seated in your vicinity as well. By the way, pointing out to a child in this situation that Santa is, in fact, still watching and has time to bypass said child's home will NOT help the situation. Unless by help you mean "escalates the situation exponentially". Then, yes. It helps.

I hope this helps you all ruin your family holidays as much as it has helped me ruin them for mine. Happy Holidays.

My Dog is a Heat Hog

Winter isn't just coming - its here. Maybe it hasn't arrived full throttle yet, with all its guns blazing. But its here. Its cold outside every day. There are no more 60 degree days, no more brief pockets of respite from the constant chill in the air. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. I actually LOVE winter. I grew up in an area where sledding, skiing, snow mobiling, skating, and all types of winter snowy fun were everywhere. I learned to bundle up and enjoy it, because the only other alternative was to be miserable for 3-4 months. But I'm also not a fan of being cold for the sake of being cold, which is why the learning to "bundle up" part was such a crucial part of the lesson growing up. Because lets face it - NO one has ever EVER met a kid with ice cold toes and soaking wet mittens who was a joy to be around, or in anything resembling a good mood. 

So I enjoy winter, but I enjoy it because I know how to stay warm and comfortable. I have the cozy blankets out on the couch that I can bundle up under when I am watching TV or reading a good book. Hot chocolate and hot spiced cider become a more frequent beverage of choice in front of the fireplace. I pull my fuzzy socks out from the back of the drawer and wear them around the house instead of flip flops. My turtle necks and sweaters and sweatshirts reappear from the bottom of the chest where they are stored in the summer. And the thermostat gets set accordingly. 

Now I don't need the house to be at Miami, Florida temperatures in the winter. Usually 68 degrees is the generally agreed upon comfortable temperature for our house during the cold months. And for the most part, this temperature setting has been more than adequate to meet our warming needs. Until this winter. When our dog got smarter. And is now sucking my heat.

I thought it was only my husband who had a habit of being a heat sucker. You know, someone who is cold and decides to cozy up to you when you are nice and warm, and suck your heat away from you for themselves. And I don't care how often you try to say it. Placing your cold feet on my toasty warm feet isn't "sharing" heat. Because now my feet are cold as fucking ice!! And your feet are now getting the benefit of MY heat!! That's not sharing. That is stealing. Sucking my heat. And now the dog has gotten in on the action.

In our front room we have 2 windows that go all the way to the floor, and the 2 heat vents for this room are right under these windows. On one window, the vent is off set to one side, leaving half of the floor in front of the window open and bare. Every night, as I am straightening things up from the disarray of the day before, I make sure the dog's bed is in this bare spot in front of the window. I know she likes to look out the window and watch the snow fall or the squirrels running or the neighbors walking their dogs. So I make sure she has plenty of room to do this from her bed. 

At some point(s) throughout the day, she is moving her dog bed on top of that vent. I don't just mean that it accidentally slid over a little bit, or that it shifted slightly to one side. No. That sucker has been dragged or pushed or pulled or hauled over to be left completely on top of and covering the heat vent. There isn't a single little tiny slat left for air to blow into the room that isn't completely blocked by her damn dog bed.

So we have a little game we like to play. I move her bed off the vent. I leave the room to go about my day. While I am gone, she moves her bed back on top of the heat vent and sleeps all toasty warm in her personal heat infused dog bed, secure in the knowledge that she has effectively sucked up all the heat in the room for herself. I return to the room and move her bed off the vent. This will happen at least 3 times a day. Every day. What. The. Shit.

And this is not a prima donna dog. She loves to romp in the snow and go for long winter walks in the woods. She's not doing it because she is too dainty to handle being a tad bit chilly. She is just effing with me. Taunting me when I am not looking. Like its all some big hilarious game to her. This is the shit I'd expect from my kids. Not someone who doesn't even have opposable thumbs. I guess I should have expected that this dog would be trouble eventually. After all, she IS from Alabama.