Important Life Lessons

Mr. Local Youth Football Program Director:

It is with sadness and regret that I must inform you that my husband and I are considering removing my son, Big Dude, from the Local Youth Football program. This is a difficult decision for us to make, as we have always stressed with our children the importance of following through on commitments, understanding what it means to be part of a “team”, and not quitting just because something becomes difficult. However, the safety and well being of our children must receive higher consideration than those other important life lessons. And unfortunately, it has become clear that our son’s safety and well-being are not, in fact, receiving the consideration they deserve from the LYF Varsity coaching staff.

This is the second year that my sons have been involved in LYF, and our previous experiences with this organization and its coaches has been positive and professional. We believe the LYF program is a high quality program throughout, up to and including the Junior Varsity level. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for our experience this year at the Varsity level. If there is one thing that every child playing youth sports should be able to count on and believe in 100%, it’s that their coach cares about each and every player on the team. No one player is more important. Every one matters. That doesn’t mean everyone gets the same amount of playing time, but it does mean that the coach is invested in every player, and cares about the well being of each child on his/her team. That is not happening on Big Dudes’s team.

The tone was set very early in the season, and it has been made abundantly clear to the young men playing on this team that certain players matter more than others. Some players are afforded special treatment due to their apparent talent level. While the majority of the team arrive on time for practices, and is warming up, certain players are permitted to consistently arrive late and stand around chatting with coaches during the warm up drills. And I believe the definition of “on time” would be suited up, padded up, cleated up, and ready to go at the start time, not arriving at the practice field with gear in hand at the start time.

This lack of respect and lack of commitment to the team is rewarded each week with a guarantee of playing time in the games. When those special players are overheard saying "They really suck" in reference to their own teammates, as if they themselves are not members of the team and associate themselves differently, it is clear that there is a distinct lack of respect for the other players, the organization, and the team in general. The young men who are fully dedicated to the team, who are ready to go at the start of practice, who encourage each other and try to help each other, and who bust their butts each and every day, from the first warm up drill all the way through to the final whistle, get the privilege of being told they aren’t good enough, fast enough, catching enough, blocking enough, etc. They get to see their positions handed off to the teammates who are held to a lesser behavioral standard than the rest of the team. In other words, effort doesn’t matter.  Only results. Character doesn’t matter. Only points on the scoreboard. I must seriously question the decision to allow my son to be a part of a team that has such misguided priorities.

I am not a complainer, Mr. Director. I have not come to you complaining even one time about anything that I might have disagreed with or found unpleasant in 2 years. I have made it a priority to teach my children that sometimes, you just have to tough it out and muscle through a situation that isn’t quite what you want it to be. Life isn’t fair, and the sooner you figure out a way to cope with these types of situations and the people who perpetrate them, the better off you will be. I have taken this position many times with my children and I believe that they are better off for it. However, I must draw the line when it comes to their personal safety. I must speak up when I see the adults I have entrusted with their care, safety, and well being show such blatant disregard for them as I personally witnessed this past weekend during the Varsity football.

It was clear by half time of Saturday's game that LYF was likely not going to win the game (I believe it was 23-0 at that point). The second half progressed very much like the first, and with about 5 minutes left in the game it was something like 40-6 (I could be wrong about the exact numbers for the score, but it was wildly one-sided). The team LYF was playing did not demonstrate any significant level of sportsmanship whatsoever. They continued to drive up the score and played their biggest, fastest, strongest, hardest hitters up to the final buzzer. At this point, certain select players were pulled from the game in order to prevent them from getting hurt, and some of the smallest, least experienced players were sent out onto the field to face this opposing team. They were the sacrificial lambs sent to the slaughter in order to protect the coach’s special few. I must say, if it wasn’t a safe environment for those special few, it damn well wasn’t a safe environment for the smaller, lesser experienced players. We are losing by 30+ points with 5 minutes left. They are getting the win. Why did it not occur to anyone to walk away at this point? Inform the refs that it is no longer safe for your players to continue, and in the best interests of your team’s health and safety, the opposing team can have the win? Why is it only important to protect the health and safety of a handful of players? Why isn’t the health of my son not equally important? Because he isn’t as talented? Because he doesn’t run as fast? Because he isn’t as good a player? Shame on you. Shame on all of you.

With 4 minutes left in the game, my son was injured. A tackle was made in front of him and the pile landed on the front of his legs, hyper-extending his right knee and causing him to fall backwards. He stood up and limped back to the huddle. He tried repeatedly to “walk it off” but was very obviously struggling. The ref was the only adult who acknowledged his injury and stopped play long enough for him to limp slowly to the sidelines and obtain a substitution. No one offered him an arm, not even when he nearly fell to his knees near the sideline. No one helped him to the bench. No one looked at him to see if his injury was serious. Not one single coach on that team indicated to my son that he was worth the time of day. Instead, he was told to go down to the team moms, and have them look at him. It just so happens that the team moms in question were 40 yards down the sidelines through a massive mud pit. Big Dude limped and hobbled that entire 40 yards by himself. Not a single responsible adult offered to help him, or asked him how he had gotten hurt or what was wrong. Not a single one. The team moms gave him some ice for his knee, but the care of injured players is not a Team Mom duty. These players are the responsibility of the coaches. And those coaches made it perfectly clear to my son that he did NOT matter to them, even when he was hurt. I guess my son should have been a better football player, because then he would have mattered enough to get their attention. Instead, an email arrived 24 hours after the fact to check on him and indicating that the coach had been informed of the injury, not that the coach had been paying attention to him enough to notice for himself. 

I watched all of this from the press box, where I was fulfilling one of my parental volunteer obligations, and had a very clear view of this entire episode as it transpired. I watched my son limp through the line after the game, limp to the end zone for the post-game chat by the coaches, and limp across the field to the stands after it was all over. In all this time, not a single coach acknowledged that he was injured, let alone asked him how he was or offered him any assistance. Instead, he got the privilege of being informed in the post-game huddle that they had given up, and that they didn’t have enough heart. I would have to say I disagree.

I would have to say that those boys who STAYED on the field in the face of such obvious risk to personal safety were the ones who showed the MOST heart. When they were sent onto the field to face that opponent, so that a select few could sit safely protected on the sideline, I must say I think they showed more heart than anyone else I know, including the adults who put them in that position. And they didn’t give up. They didn’t accept the invitation to sit out on the sidelines where it was safe. They didn’t tell their coach “Hell no!!” when they were sent out there. They bucked up and went out there and did the very best they could in the face of insurmountable odds. They didn’t take a knee just to get it over with, although I must say I think that would have been the smartest and most responsible thing to do. Instead, they kept trying over and over again to make plays, only to get battered back, repeatedly. They never stopped trying to get that ever-elusive first down. And the thanks those kids got from the coach that put them there? They were informed they gave up and didn’t have heart. Shame on you. Shame on all of you.

After a trip to the Emergency Room Saturday night after the game, we will be following up with an orthopedist this week to determine the extent of my son’s injury. If and when he receives medical clearance to return to football, we will make the decision at that time as to whether or not this will happen. This decision will depend on the actions taken by the administration to address these issues and ensure the safety and well being of EVERY player in the program. 

Sincerely,

Me

The REAL reason for the state of the world today....

In this day and age, it is damn near impossible to only watch, listen to, or read "real news". It used to be that if you tuned in to the News (which for me was either ABC, NBC, or CBS since we lived so far out in the middle of nowhere we didn't have the option of cable), you knew you were going to get the hard stuff. The real stuff. The stuff that actually informed you about serious matters around the country and around the world. The stuff that made you a better and smarter person for knowing it. The stuff that could even help you in school once in a while. The stuff that we as kids found boring but that we as adults tend to wish there was more of. And there was Extra, ET, Inside Edition, or some other such crap news knock-off show for the other stupid stuff.

I try really hard to avoid the stupid news. Because its stupid. And I can't help but worry that I am going to get stupider every time I inadvertently learn something about Honey Boo Boo, or which professional athlete has now been caught lying about using PED's, or what the hell twerking is. And by the way, it doesn't need its own name. If you DO need to give it a name, twerking is no where near as accurate as "I plan on becoming one of your baby mamas by the end of this dance and you won't even have to buy me dinner first". I digress.

I don't like feeling stupid after watching or reading the news. And its incredibly frustrating to seek out knowledge and information - because I was always taught that it is always a good thing to go into the world armed with knowledge, because knowledge is power - only to find myself surrounded by stupidity. 

And I can't help but feel like we can attribute the decline of American society as a whole (its overall stupidification in general) to the increasing stupidity of our "news", because after all, we get our news from what's actually going on in our society, what is important to our society. Actually I don't think its the news itself that is getting stupid. I think its what people are doing IN the news that is becoming increasingly stupid. I can't help but wonder if the reporters would be reporting on stories of people doing smart things and using common sense (like NOT taking assault rifles that were obtained illegally and shooting up a crowd of innocent people trying to watch a neighborhood basketball game at their local park) if there were more people actually fucking DOING smart things and using common sense. 

I know there are actually a plethora of things to blame for the overall decline of our society, and everyone has their favorite hot topic to reference for it ... taking "Christ" out of Christmas, taking God and Jesus out of our schools, violent video games, drugs, the crappy state of our education system and what it says about our whacked out educational priorities, technology taking over our lives, kids who don't play outside anymore...you name it. There are a SHIT TON of reasons society is going to hell in a hand basket. But I truly believe that it is for one simple reason.

Common sense is gone. Its no longer a priority. And we are raising an entire generation of kids who, lets be honest, don't fucking need any common sense. Why?? Because no matter WHAT they do, they aren't responsible. They had a good reason or valid excuse to do whatever stupid thing they got caught doing. They are a victim of someone else who is completely to blame for their situation. Blame the parents, blame the teachers, blame the victim for pressing charges, blame the witnesses for being "rats", blame the coffee for having the nerve to be hot, blame blame blame blame blame. And this lack of complete common sense has permeated so many areas of our lives that it has become newsworthy. It used to be that when someone was a dumb ass and did something totally stupid, they were just an idiot. Now, they get their own TV Reality show, become a celebrity, and make millions. 2 words for you - Kim. Kardashian. I rest my case.

What qualifies as news now is really just stories of people being stupid or doing stupid things or being the victim of someone's stupidity. As Jon Stewart points out in the clip linked below, this level of non-common-sense-stupidity is even starting to effect those who deliver the news to us!  http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-september-17-2013/wrongnado---cnn

Here are some things I've heard or read in the "news" recently that have confirmed my worst fears about a complete lack of common sense in our society and the overall stupidification of people in general.....

1. When you have people who are willing to stand in line for 2 days just to get the newest upgrade in unnecessary technology, because the phone they waited in line for 3 days to get 9 months ago must be terribly, terribly out of date, and THEN pay ridiculously outrageous prices just to be able to say they own a newer version, common sense is on vacation and people are stupid. How bad can the state of our economy actually be? These people obviously don't have jobs, and don't NEED jobs, since they have asshat loads of money to spend on a phone that is 6 months newer than the one they spent asshat loads of money on less than a year ago. Stupidification. 
http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/09/20/20597661-iphone-fans-line-up-around-the-world-again-this-time-with-a-golden-eye?lite&ocid=msnhp&pos=2

2. When there are kids who break into a home when the owner isn't there, throw a huge raging party, vandalize and destroy the property as well as steal from the home, take PICTURES of themselves doing this, POST these pictures all over social media, act shocked and amazed that the owner of the house re-posted these pictures along with pictures he took of the damage himself, and then their parents threaten to SUE the homeowner for re-posting the pictures that THEIR kids took while doing something ILL-FUCKING-LEGAL, something is SERIOUSLY stupidified in our world!!! Seriously!!
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/ex-nfl-player-brian-holloway-threatened-with-lawsuits-for-posting-pictures-of-alleged-vandals-092013
And here is where the cycle perpetuates, because these parents are rewarding stupidity. They are not only saying "we don't care that you were stupid", they are saying "you have a God given right to lack all common sense, and be stupid, and do stupid things, and it is the responsibility of others to take care of you in your stupidity". It just hurts my head to think about.

3. A woman put the lid on the ketchup too tightly. Her husband didn't like it. She's now dead. Nuf said. 
http://xfinity.comcast.net/articles/news-national/20130920/wife.slain.ketchup.lid/

Stupid scares me. Because you can't reason with stupid. You can't explain to stupid the error of its ways. And you can't fix stupid. The best you can hope for is to control and contain the damage done by stupid. Its like being the parent of a toddler. You can't make the toddler NOT be a toddler. The toddler is going to do all of the awful, annoying, painful, God-for-saken things that toddlers do that make parents cry themselves to sleep in a drunken stupor for about 3 years straight. That is the nature of the toddler beast. That is why you see frazzled parents of toddlers everywhere who haven't showered in a week trailing after their youngsters with their arms spread wide like they are chasing after a flock of chickens. Control and contain the damage. Thats the best they can hope for. Because if they do that, they make it one more day. They survive to face the next one. "Blood. Is there blood? There's no blood? Ok then we are good." Can't tell you the number of times I've said that, and my kids are far from toddlers. 

So my hope is that we can all survive another day of stupid. That we can control and contain the damage done by the perpetrators of stupidity with as few casualties as possible. And maybe.....JUST maybe.....there will be some people who can actually LEARN something from the stupidification of others and decide they want better for themselves. And hopefully these people will go on a personal quest for common sense. And maybe, when they find this ever illusive common sense we have heard so much about but have never actually witnessed ourselves, they can even start to share it with others, since there is obviously such a hugely common-sense-lacking population out there. It wouldn't be hard to do. I'm thinking sharing common sense with the "needy" could be done as easily as we share assault weapons with felons. We'll just put common sense in a van at the end of a dark alley and tell people its against the law to have it. 

A Team Is Only As Good As Its Coach

One of my favorite movies of all time is "Miracle". Its about the US Olympic Hockey team that defied all odds to win Olympic Gold when no one, including experts from the US, believed they had a shot in hell. The basic premise of the movie is that the most talented group of individuals can be beat by a less talented team. Talent is only one piece of the puzzle. If you can't get the individuals to see themselves as part of something bigger than themselves, the talent itself becomes useless. Teams with less talent who work together and understand each other and play as a team can beat "talent" any day of the week.

It takes a special gift to coach. Surprise, surprise - it takes more than talent or knowledge. Just because you played football and were a superstar in college and know all the stats and formations and plays in the world, that doesn't just automatically morph into being a good coach. Because often times, being a good coach starts with things that have NOT A DAMN THING to do with stats and formations and play books. It starts with fundamentals.

Fundamentals that are universal regardless of the sport you are playing. Fundamentals that are the building blocks of both individual talent AND team work. Fundamentals that will determine exactly what kind of player you want to be. Showing up for practice ON TIME. Giving 110% EVERY play, even when you are losing 22-0 in the 4th quarter or the 9th inning or the 3rd period or the 3rd match/set or the 18th hole or the second half. Being held accountable for your actions CONSISTENTLY regardless of whether you are a star starter or a 3rd string. These are some pretty important fundamentals. And kids don't just pick this stuff up. Its coached. Its taught. Its drilled into them day after day after day after day in practice. These details have to be balanced with the plays and the stats and the formations. 

Because if you want your team to implement the plays seamlessly, they have to know what they are doing. And in order to know what they are doing, they have to be focused at practice. And in order to be focused at practice, they have to be there ON TIME and working and not slacking off because its hot and they are tired. Guess what? EVERYONE is hot and tired. Get the fuck over it.

Here is the first thing I think every good coach should tell his/her team on day one. Doesn't matter what age. When you are playing a team sport, you need to clearly understand that it is now about the team. NOT you. Rule #1: You are not special. Nope. Sorry to disappoint you. If you want to be special and receive special treatment and be made to feel like you are a superstar who can do no wrong, go play with your mom and dad in the backyard. Or play a non-team sport, like golf or karate, where you are in it just for you and you alone. Because on a successful team, no one individual is more important or special than anyone else. You are part of something bigger than you. You are just a small piece of the over all puzzle.

That means that the most talented individual is held to the same standard as the least talented 3rd stringer. I don't care who you are, you stroll in late to practice, or to warm ups before a game, or to a team meeting, or you don't show up at all? You don't fucking play! You sit your ass on the bench, and someone who believes in the team enough to put the team's needs ahead of his own desires will be on that field, even if that means we lose the damn game. You want to spend your practice chatting it up with the coaches and your friends, not drilling and running the plays? You don't fucking play. You sit your ass on the bench, and someone who has been busting his ass learning the playbook and practicing the routes and memorizing what his job is for every formation will be on that field, even if it means we lose the damn game. You want to give up because that play didn't go your way, or your team is losing the game, and you don't want to hustle and have heart and you don't want to give every play every single thing you've got? You don't fucking play. You sit your ass on the bench, and someone who NEVER gives up and who hustles on that field no matter how futile it might seem will be on that field, even if it means we lose the damn game.

And you know what? If you are a coach and you can't be bothered to show up for practices, and you can't be bothered to show up on time for warm ups before a game or for practice, and you can't be bothered to pay attention to what is going on with your team on the field because you are too busy chatting and laughing with your buddies on the sideline? You shouldn't get to fucking coach!! And you sure as hell shouldn't have the right to tell kids who have been to more practices than YOU that they aren't working hard enough, trying hard enough, or playing good enough. Because contrary to what you told them, THEY are not the ones out there embarrassing themselves. They are following the tone for the team that YOU have set. Before you point the finger at anyone on that field, you need to take a good, long, hard look at what YOU are doing, how YOU are behaving, and if YOUR actions hold water next to the expectations and standards you put up for the team.

If you want a team that hustles on and off the field, you need to expect that from them EVERY play in EVERY practice. And when the don't deliver, there needs to be a consequence for it that is doled out to EVERY player who fails to deliver, rather than turning a blind eye to the slacking by your "superstars". If you want players that know what their jobs are on the field in any given situation, you need to expect them to know that by expecting them to be at practice ON TIME, EVERY time. They need to be at team meetings and pre-game warm ups ON TIME, EVERY time. They need to be paying attention at those team meetings and pre-game warm ups and practices, not wandering off chatting with friends or buddies or coaches. And they need to be held accountable when they do these things, instead of turning a blind eye because they are your "superstars". 

And most importantly, YOU need to do these things! YOU need to be a goddamn leader! YOU need to show them what is important by DOING it yourself. YOU need to be at practices ON TIME. YOU need to be at team meetings and pre-game warms ups ON TIME. YOU need to be focused on the team, the practice, and/or the game during team meetings and warm-ups and post-game chats and practices, not wandering off because you have better things to do. You can't be shocked and amazed that your players are doing exactly the same thing you are doing. Because they are. And surprise, surprise, they aren't winning.

And contrary to popular belief, winning is about a SHIT LOAD more than just points on the board. Its about your heart and your soul and your passion and your hard work and who you are inside. Not how well you can throw a ball, or catch a ball, or how fast you can run, or how often you can score a goal, or how many saves you can make, or strikes you can throw, or touchdowns you can make. You have to become the player you want to be on the INSIDE in order to have something to show for it on the outside. And if you don't start on the inside, you will have nothing to show for it. No points. No goals. No runs. No touchdowns. No wins. And frankly, I'd much rather have my kid come home with no wins, but with a coach that teaches what's really important, instead of a kid who comes home with a win every week but who never learns what it means to be a part of a team. Who never learns how to take pride in his play, regardless of the score at the end of the game. I want a kid who learns what it means to have heart and soul no matter what the outcome. That is what REAL coach does. 

I've had a few real coaches in my time. And my kids have had some real coaches too. These are the ones that have had the long-term impact, the ones that they remember years later when they relive an important life lesson. The other coaches come and go. With any luck, they will have an impact that lasts no longer than that particular sports season. And hopefully, it is the lessons they learned from the real coaches that came before that will carry them through the experience, and allow them to come out the other side stronger and better for it.

Explanations are NOT apologies

We all make mistakes. There isn't a single person out there who hasn't at one time or another done something or said something that, in hindsight, probably shouldn't have been done or said. Many of the mistakes we make happen when we are kids. Because that is just what kids do. Screw up. Make mistakes. Do the exact wrong thing. As a parent it is not only our hope, but also our responsibility, to help kids understand how to handle their mistakes appropriately. Saying I'm sorry = good choice. Screaming and throwing your body on the floor, flailing about wildly like a sunfish in the bottom of a rowboat, hysterically declaring that its not fair for you to get in trouble because you didn't mean it and it wasn't on purpose = poor choice. 

I think its a safe assumption that most, if not all, kids learn the difference between good choices and poor choices from the adults around them. As adults we can use words to help get this message across, by talking about choices and using teachable moments to reflect on what might have been a better choice in the moment. We can refer to other people's actions as examples of either what to do or what not to do. But I think the most powerful way we help kids is by example. I can talk until I'm blue in the face but my words mean next to nothing if the kids in my life don't see me following those words up with corresponding actions. The whole "do as I say, not as I do" is a crock of shit, and everyone who has ever been told this as a kid knows it. A hundred positive words can be undone by one negative or unkind action. So no matter how many times we tell kids what they should do in a given situation, and what a good choice would be, all it takes is one example of that same adult doing the opposite to erase any memory of the "good choice lessons". Its like kids are Jenga. Stack up all the good ideas, positive interactions, praise, and lessons about appropriate behavior that you can find. All it takes is that one time - that one negative pot-shot, that one time we set a poor example with our actions, that one name called, that single instance where we inadvertently show them through our actions that it is worth it to go with a bad choice - and the tower comes falling down. And we are left at square one. Starting over. Trying to rebuild all the positive progress that has just been undone in that one single regrettable moment.

As parents, I think we all strive to set positive examples for our kids in every way possible. We show them how to treat others by how WE treat others. We show them how to talk to others by how WE talk to others. We show them how to handle their frustrations by how WE handle our frustrations. We show them how to celebrate by how WE celebrate. We show them how to love by how WE love. We can also hope that the other important people in our children's lives understand this same concept and follow it. Because kids are influenced and taught about these important life lessons by more than just their parents. They have teachers, coaches, parents of friends, adult relatives, television, movies, video games, books, peers, siblings....the list goes on and on and on. Some of these influences we, as parents, have some control over. I can control what my kids see on TV, or in movies, or what video games (if any) they play, or what books they read. When they are younger, I can have some influence over who their friends are, or at least who they play with at MY house. However, I can not control how other people choose to behave around them. I can only hope and pray that when other people are around my kids, they want to do the right thing and behave the right way and set the right example for them.

But I'm a realist. I know that sometimes, mistakes happen. Examples get set that we wish hadn't. Things get royally screwed up. Ironically, this is the most important opportunity we have. Especially if you are the screwer-upper. This is when you get to demonstrate how to accept responsibility for your screw up. And the biggest part of accepting responsibility is being able to say I'm sorry. Not providing a play by play of how it happened or explaining why you did what you did. Just simply, I'm sorry. Because explaining "how" or "why" you made the choice you did is NOT accepting responsibility for "what" you did. Sure, it helps me understand your intentions, but it doesn't change anything. Explaining that you didn't mean to hit your brother in the head with a rock, and describing how it happened, doesn't change the fact that I am taking him to the hospital for stitches. Saying that it wasn't your intention spray Febreze in your brother's eyes, because you weren't aiming for them, doesn't change the fact that he has Febreze in his eyes and can't see right now. Saying you didn't mean to break my favorite vase when you were touching something you were not supposed to be touching doesn't put the vase back together. Saying I didn't mean to eat all the Oreos in one sitting, but that I'm pms-ing like a crazy person and we are all out of wine and potato chips, doesn't put the Oreos back in the box. Capisce? So sometimes the most important thing, the most valuable part is unfortunately what seems to be the hardest part - the simple I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry if what I said or did caused you pain or discomfort or distress. And regardless of my intentions, I recognize that you are hurting as a result of my actions and I'm sorry for that. 

If there were more adults who could say these words to kids, there might be more kids who know how to say that to each other. There might be more kids taking responsibility for their own actions because they see its not a WEAKNESS or CHARACTER FLAW to say I made a mistake and did/said something that I shouldn't have. If we as adults act like it is a weakness or a character flaw, so will kids. And so perpetuates the cycle. I hope my kids learn this overall lesson from me by example. By watching me and hearing me say I'm sorry, I screwed up, I shouldn't have done that or said that or behaved that way. I know I'm not perfect but by and large, I hope they see that sometimes being the bigger person means saying I'm sorry, even if you didn't mean to do whatever it is that was done. I also hope that the other adults they encounter will be able to do the same thing. Because there is nothing sadder or more pathetic than an adult who is caught in a mistake but can't admit it. Who can't take responsibility. Who can't simply say I'm sorry.