I don't think I'm alone in this. I think everyone has been in situations like this. Where shit just happens. And then I just want to vent. Yell, scream, curse, pull my hair, basically have a grown up temper tantrum. And what I do NOT need in this situation is someone to point out to me the error of my ways, or how I "should" have done things so as to avoid the situation I am currently in. Because contrary to popular opinion, I am not stupid, naive, or ignorant of my mistakes. I am very well aware of the concept of action-consequence, and for the most part am self-aware enough to know the possibilities of negative consequences for any of my given actions. But just because I know they are possible doesn't mean I am happy when they happen. It still pisses me off when things don't go how I would like or when "shit happens" to ruin or impede upon my otherwise pleasant plans. And sometimes, I just want to say "THIS PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF!!!". And advice is not requested by this statement, nor is it needed.
I have been involved in several groups in the past whose focus and intent was supposed to be offering support to like-minded people, folks whose life situations or circumstances are similar, or those who are all going through the same types of life difficulties. And there are hundreds of different "groups" out there all claiming to offer the same things to their target population. Some of these groups might meet in person, others might be online. Some might be serious, others might be more social. I have encountered what I find to be a very fascinating phenomenon regarding these "support groups". Even the social ones, the ones designed to be fun or light-hearted, can take a turn for the nasty. Very easily. And very quickly. What I find so interesting is how easy it is for people to "hide" behind their keyboards and pass judgement or critique others, when they would never dream of saying such things to a person's face should the exchange happen in person.
We all like to believe we are supportive people, helpful people, non-judgemental people. And for the most part, we very well may be. But give a person a keyboard and a feeling of anonymity and watch Her Majesty Holier Than Thou rear her ugly head. Things that no one in their right mind would ever dream of saying to a person's face get thrown around like candy at a fucking Fourth of July parade. Judgement, condescension, and self-righteousness get passed off as support.
I've seen this in a few of the groups I've joined on Facebook in particular, where anonymity and social networking meet to create their own little version of hell for those of us foolish enough to believe the premise that people in similar circumstances or situations are capable of supporting each other without using the experiences of others to make themselves feel superior. I've watched a single mom's post venting the frustrations of trying to get an overactive special needs toddler to bed in less than 3 hours, get turned into a critique of this woman's life choices, what "causes" the special needs and what this mother should be doing differently to correct it, her obvious lack of parenting skills and discipline to have a child not listen or follow directions, and her laziness for this one night expressing a frustration and desire not to fight the fight. Its so sad to me that the only way some people can feel good about their own decisions (parenting or otherwise) is to critique and judge the decisions and circumstances of others. Another time a person asks advice on traveling cross country with a pet, only to have responders set upon each other over decisions regarding pet vs. no pet in motels with pet vs. no pet policies.
And here is where I state my disclaimer...I am not naive enough to truly be personally disappointed that strangers on Facebook or any other social media site are being judgmental or mean or catty or bitchy or rude or condescending or just plain overall pissy to each other. Nor do I seek out complete strangers anonymously for my true support needs. I'm not sure if anyone knows this about me but I rarely give a flying rat's ass what other people think of me, although I do try to avoid openly or callously giving offense. But I still find it sad when I see people attack others especially under the guise of "support". Especially when I don't believe for one minute that the attacks would happen without the benefit of hiding behind a computer keyboard.
Put a group of people in a room with the task of discussing a book they have all read. Some like the book, some don't. Some get a deeper message, others couldn't get past the first chapter. Some see symbolism everywhere, some see only the words on the page. Not one time have I ever seen things deteriorate into insults, barbs, critiques, or personal attacks because of these differences. I have been in a room with mommy's of toddlers, all going through the typical difficulties associated with mommying a toddler. Some breast fed, some bottle fed. Some made their own baby food, some bought their babyfood in bulk at Costco. Some were proponents of co-sleeping and attachment parenting, some believed in the old "let them cry it out" method. Not once did anyone need to pass judgement on the parenting decisions of others to justify their own. There was a lot of "this is what works for us" on all sides, and that was enough. But take these same groups and put them behind closed doors on a computer, with no one knowing who you are or where you are, and its amazing how quickly things can deteriorate.
I get that the internet isn't true support. I get that strangers are just that, strangers, and that to have any expectation or faith in them is to set yourself up for disappointment. But I am also getting a pretty clear idea of where "mean kids" come from. They come from mean adults. Adults who feel the need to criticize and judge what they don't fully understand, and who thus are raising children to do the same. If a person is different, believes differently, parents differently, dresses differently, thinks differently, worships differently, then it is my right to condemn, judge, ridicule or scorn. What the fuck happened to just being fucking NICE to each other??? Where is it written that a person needs to be just like me in order for me to be nice to them??? And where is it written that being nice to someone automatically means you condone and agree with every single fucking thing they have ever done or said??? Especially when that person is a complete fucking stranger on the internet???
Again, I am not naive. Just wishing there was more reason to be optimistic about humanity. Cuz not nice adults create not nice kids. And those kids become not nice adults, perpetuating a very sad cycle. I know it doesn't help to engage these people so I do try my best to avoid it. However, sometimes meanness needs to be called out as just that. Meanness. For my part, I will continue to try and teach my children the importance of just being fucking nice to people. Even if you don't fucking feel like it. Even if you feel like they don't deserve it. Because sometimes mean people really just need a hug. And there is nothing more rewarding than telling some high and mighty judgmental holier-than-thou condescending ass hat that you feel bad that they are so unhappy or insecure in their own life that they feel compelled to pass judgment on others to feel better about themselves, and then to offer them a big virtual hug. Because this usually just pisses them off. Which I guess is a win-win for me.
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