How in God's name was I not clear???

I'm sorry. You are right. My bad. I don't know what I was thinking. I apologize for being intentionally unclear and misleading. I admit that I said "You need a sweatshirt this morning since its only 38 degrees." What was I thinking? Your choice was completely appropriate, given the complete lack of direction I offered in the situation. I see, now, how you could clearly have misconstrued my intentions. I only said you needed it, not what you needed to DO with it once you had it. Because it makes so much sense to use a sweatshirt to combat cold temperatures by putting it in your backpack instead of ON YOUR FRIGGIN' BODY. Good. God. Help. Me.

This seems to be a recurring theme in my house. My complete lack of clarity. I have apparently struggled with this disorder for at least 13 years that I have been made aware of. I'm starting to think that its something that I was exposed to during my first pregnancy that seems to be incurable. I'm calling it Non-Sequitor Directional Speech Disorder. I call it this because when I'm giving directions, I may as well be throwing out a complete non-sequitor into the conversation for all the apparent sense my directions make to the intended listener. For example, "Put your shoes away" seems to come across in the moment with as much relevance as "There is a frog in the back yard". See? Complete non-sequitor. 

I used to think that the problem was more directly related to language. Like maybe I was randomly lapsing into speaking French, or German, or Italian, or Russian, or Latvian when I was giving instruction or direction to the kids. Because this would clearly account for my children not being able to clearly understand what I was saying and the directions I was giving. Several things have dissuaded me from this position, however. One, I have thoroughly checked my own background and education, and I now know for a FACT that I don't speak French (sorry, Madame Marr!), or German, or Italian, or Russian, or Latvian, or any other foreign language for that matter. Two, my children have clearly shown the ability to understand at least PART of what I am saying. I know this because when I say things like "I just told you to put your shoes away! Why are they still sitting here in front of the door?!", a typical response is "Yeah, but you didn't tell me where to put them." Clearly it was me that dropped the ball on this one.

I wasn't aware of this affliction before I had kids, and I'm guessing that it is relatively unknown in the medical field. All I know is none of my doctors ever warned me about exposure to this disorder, or how to avoid getting it, or what treatment options are available to those who become tragically afflicted. And ironically enough, my limited research has given me the distinct impression that the group most afflicted with this disorder is parents, although any adult who comes in regular contact with children is at high risk. High risk. Like "Oh, you have the plague and didn't tell me until after you hugged me, coughed in my face, and threw up on my shoes" kind of high risk.

I can't even tell you the wide variety of ways in which my NSDSD has hurt my children. I have realized the error of my ways in retrospect, and to some degree this has helped me to make sure not to repeat my past NSDSD episodes. Such as...

"Do not aim your airsoft gun at your brother in the house." 
What I clearly should have said... 
"Do not shoot your brother with an airsoft gun in the house." 
My bad.

"I need you to sweep the kitchen floor."
What I clearly should have said...

"I need you to sweep the kitchen floor, thus removing the dirt currently there from the kitchen by putting it into a dust pan with the broom and then placing the dirt in the garbage can."

See how I failed?

"You need to take your shower now."

What I clearly should have said...

"You need to use soap, while in the shower with the water running, to clean the dirt off of your entire body, and yes this includes your face, feet and hands, and use shampoo to wash the mud and dirt out of your hair."

Clearly my fault.

"Your backpack doesn't belong there in front of the door."

What I should have said...

"Your backpack doesn't belong there, or there, or there, or there, or there, or there, or there, or there, or there, or there, or there, or there, or there. Oh for the love of God! Just put your damn back pack in your damn room!!!"

You see the pattern, here.

"The garbage needs to be taken out."

What I should have said...

"The garbage needs to be taken out of the house."

Not sure what I was thinking.

"Go do your homework."

What I should have said...

"Go do your homework correctly."

Its the little things, I guess.

"Turn off the television."

What I should have said...

"Turn off the television now, not in a second or a minute or after this commercial which is so funny you just have to watch it or when the show is over. Now. As in right now. Right. The. Eff. Now."

Gotta work on getting specific.

"Its time to set the table for dinner."

What I should have said...

"Its time to set the table for dinner, and since we use more than butter and ketchup during dinner, I need you to include plates, napkins, cups, and silverware to your 'table setting' repertoire."

Its so obvious how I was trying to mislead.

I am going to keep working on this issue and hope to one day master my affliction. I continue to try and find new, better ways to improve my directional communications with my offspring. As you can see from my sweatshirt conversation with Little Dude this morning, I am continuing to fail. If anyone has any suggestions from their own experiences with NSDSD that might help me improve the situation here, I am all ears because what I am doing obviously ain't working. And my poor children just don't know what to do with my muddled and vague attempts at giving instructions and guidance on a daily basis. So its really their futures, their lives you would be helping with your advice and input. Think of the poor children.