Ok, Let's Dance.

Dear Mrs. Big-Dude's-Teacher,

I'm not sure if you remember me, as we have only met that one time at the scheduled Parent-Teacher Conference in October. I'm Big Dude's Mom, the straight A student you said was a "really good kid" but who had a bad habit of talking too much in class after his own work was completed. And I'm his Mom, the one who said that we supported the school and did not condone misbehavior in school in any manner, the Mom who sat with you and discussed different behavior modification techniques that you could use with Big Dude to help discourage this overly social behavior. You might also make note of the fact that you haven't heard much from me since that conference. I haven't been barraging you with emails or special requests for my kid. I haven't been bypassing the normally acceptable "chain of command" by contacting the principal before discussing matters with you. 

We are not tigers, or helicopters, or snow plows, or any other wacky parenting-label phrase that is currently popular. Rather than try to shield our children from adversity, heartbreak, or obstacles, we are trying to prepare our children to deal with them. It starts with setting a solid example for them, letting them see what a mature adult does in certain situations when things don't go as planned. That is followed by discussing with them how to do this for themselves and even walking them through things that they encounter, holding their hands and helping them along the way. The end goal is to sit back and maybe with some verbal encouragement, watch our children deal with adverse circumstances independently and successfully. 

Sometimes, however, as a parent, there comes a time when its important to demonstrate to our children just how important they are to us and just how far we are willing to go for them. Cuz they are right now just children. And if they were capable of handling everything on their own at this age, they'd have their own apartments and jobs, and I wouldn't have to break up fights over whose turn it is to pet the dog, or who should have to put the milk away when Big Dude got it out but Little Dude touched it last. But they aren't. So they don't. And its up to us to help them sort through the batshit crazy that crosses their paths. And this, my dear, is where you come in.

Because you certainly are. Batshit crazy, I mean. Am I right, or am I right?

Okay, maybe batshit crazy seems a bit harsh. How does "power-hungry bully who is completely inconsistent and unpredictable while remaining hyper-focused on minutiae inconsequential to learning" sound? Yeah, batshit crazy does sound better.

But I know batshit crazy. I come from a long and distinguished line of batshit crazy. Not only am I an expert in recognizing batshit crazy, I have honed my skills in playing with batshit crazy. I guarantee that I can out-play, out-wit, and out-last your batshit crazy any day of the week. So, you wanna dance? Let's dance. 

Your move: Big Dude finishes his work, and pulls a book out of his desk to read (as per your plan concocted during previously mentioned conference). He finishes this book before everyone is done with his work, asks you if he can get another book from his locker, and you make him "pull a card" because he should have planned ahead and had a book already in his desk if he was almost done with the other one.

Counter move: Really?? He should be psychic and be able to predict how long its going to take the other students to finish their work, as correlated against how fast he's going to read the remainder of the book in his desk (because as a psychic, he would know how many words are left in the book as well as his average words per minute reading speed)?? Ok. When you come to school and find a pile of 26 books stacked around his desk, I'm sure you will ask him what they are doing there and I have instructed him to assure you that he is doing exactly as you wished. Planning ahead. So that he is NEVER caught without proper reading material at his desk again.

Your move: You tell the Big Dude and the other students that they aren't allowed to have books in their desk to read because they should be "using their time more wisely" by finishing homework or doing other school work, even when they are done with their other work.

Counter move: You know what? Fuck it. Go ahead and chat it right up. 

Your move: You hold Big Dude's lunchbox hostage, telling him you will return it to him when he writes a paper about how you are his favorite teacher and submits this paper to the "voluntary participation" PTA Favorite Teacher contest where the teacher who gets the most submissions wins something from the PTA.

Counter move: Write that paper. Write away. But since honesty is very important to us in this family, make sure you tell the truth. Somehow I don't think the content of this paper is going to be what you are hoping for. Because the first line of this paper will be "I am being forced to write this paper about a teacher who is, in fact, NOT my favorite teacher because its the only way I can get her to return my personal property to me." This will be followed by a lengthy Anti-Bullying PSA diatribe.

Your move: While serving the punishment of classroom lunch for a previous offense, Big Dude witnessed a co-serving peer spill at his desk, and receive permission to get a paper towel to clean it up. When Big Dude spilled some water on his desk and raised his hand to ask for permission to get a paper towel, you instructed him to "Put your hand down and sit down. This is my lunch too, you know."

Counter move: Really? Really?!? Ok. Next time you spill something or there is a mess to clean up, say out loud in a voice that is crystal clear, "Excuse me Dude Who Happens To Be Class Pet Through No Fault Of His Own, would you please ask Mrs. Big-Dude's-Teacher if you can get a paper towel for me, since she will allow you to do things that I am not allowed to do?" See, batshit crazy also has a healthy dose of experience with fucked up passive aggressive. Boo-yah!

Your move: You decide that one of Big Dude's infractions is significant enough to notify me about, but apparently not until the next day, when Big Dude arrives in the classroom in the morning to find an index card with the supposed infraction written in clear bold letters taped face up in the middle of his desk, for the entire classroom to see as they enter the class. Big Dude is supposed to bring this card home to me and have me sign it as proof that he has made his parents aware of his egregious behavior.

Counter move: I am pre-signing an entire package of blank index cards and sending them in to school with Big Dude tomorrow. From now on when there is an infraction that is "parent sign the card" worthy, just write it on the back of one of the pre-signed cards and place it directly in your "Big Dude Bad Behavior" file. Because like the boy who cried wolf, you have seriously over-played your hand. I no longer care when Big Dude has to "pull a card" because when you decide that a kid who trips over another student's chair and accidentally spills something deserves to pull a card for this clear violation of appropriate classroom behavior, I can not take you or your behavioral expectations and standards seriously.

When I was a child my son's age, my father taught me a lesson that I have never forgotten. This lesson has served me well throughout my life and I am optimistic that it can do the same for Big Dude. It is this. "You are going to encounter assholes your whole life. The earlier you learn how to deal with them the better off you will be." What I learned from my father is that sometimes you have to counter batshit crazy with batshit crazy. And a healthy dose of passive aggressive with a side dose of cynical sarcasm can give you just the edge you need to come out on top. 

Sincerely,
Big Dude's passive aggressive batshit crazy cynically sarcastic mother who LOOOOVES to dance