I never wanted to be that parent. The "do as I say, not as I do" parent. I wanted to believe that I was setting the kind of example for my kids that they would do best to follow. Just as I'm sure my own parents wanted to believe they were doing for me. Just as all parents want to believe they are doing for their kids. For the most part, I believe I have done and continue to do that. But no one is perfect. We all fall short of the ideal sometimes. I truly believe, though, that as parents we can make mistakes and STILL not be that hypocritical "do as I say" role model that is so often mocked in TV and movies. The difference, I think, is recognizing it and being willing to admit the mistake. Being able to say, you know what? I shouldn't have done that. Not just because I wish you hadn't seen it, heard it, been exposed to it, or been affected by it. But because it was wrong. It was a mistake. It was a bad call by me and I'm gonna do my damnedest not to do it again.
What I really try to keep in mind is that a parenting mistake or misjudgment in MY mind might very well be the absolute right thing to do for another parent in a different situation. And vice versa. I try not to look too hard at what other people think of my parenting decisions because they are not in my unique family or parenting situation. And what works for us may very well be the opposite of what works for them. And when other parents don't realize this, they can feel very free with their own opinions and judgments. Myself included.
Not judging, I believe, is one of the hardest things to do, EVER, not only as parents but as human beings. We are constantly making decisions in our daily life. What to do, what not to do. And we make those decisions by judging each circumstance as a good choice for us or a bad choice for us. We weigh the pros and cons of any given situation and make a judgment on what is the right thing to do. It starts as little kids. What happens if I bite the kid who just took my snack, and will the consequence be worth it if there is ANY chance that I will get my snack back? Hmmmmmmm...thats a judgment call. For some kids, the belief that they will get the snack back is worth any consequence, and the decision is made to bite away. For others, a realization might set in that biting will possibly bring a 2-fold consequence of getting a" time-out" AND still missing out on the snack, so the decision is made to cry or tattle or any number of other possible choices. But the bottom line is kids are taught to judge the situation and decide what is the right thing to do. Because the goal, ultimately, is to have these kids grow up into adults who can judge for themselves what is right and wrong without having a parent standing there telling them what to do. Unfortunately, the flip-side of this is that anyone who doesn't also choose this "right" option must be wrong. And people who do wrong things or make wrong decisions are judged as wrong themselves.
I am as guilty of this as anyone. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not naive to my own shortcomings. And I don't believe that admitting my faults and flaws and shortcomings is a character defect or weakness. I have made mistakes. I have had to apologize to people I care about, to my own kids, for decisions I've made that I regret. Things I've said or done, ways I've treated other people, conclusions I've jumped to, judgments I've made of other people or certain situations, assumptions I've made. They have heard me say "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong of me." and hopefully they have seen me make every effort to do better in the next situation where I am faced with similar circumstances.
I truly believe that learning to apologize is something that happens by example. Knowing when to say I'm sorry, how to say I'm sorry, and why is a skill that can't be taught. It has to be felt. Learning the difference between a heartfelt sincere apology versus a hollow meaningless one, by feeling what its like to get both and realizing which one is the better choice. Watching someone give an honest apology and seeing what it takes to swallow your pride and humbly admit a mistake. Feeling guilty for hurting someone with your words or actions, and truly wanting to make it right and trying to offer healing with kind words.
As a parent, it can become a bit more convoluted when you see your child in a situation where this kind of example is NOT being set by others. This can happen in the neighborhood with other kids or parents, or in school with teachers or other school personnel, or in sports and activities with other kids or coaches. Situations where the actions of another person were hurtful, and the appropriate person is either unwilling or unable to admit that maybe they made a bad judgment call and should have made a different choice of words or actions. I've tried to apologize to my kids for the hurt caused by another, and it just doesn't work. I think we all know its fairly useless to apologize on behalf of another person. If its not coming from the person who did the hurting, the apology will have a hard time offering any healing.
And I think kids are a lot brighter and more intuitive than many adults give them credit for. They know adults aren't perfect. They know we make mistakes. And by refusing to admit it when we make mistakes, we are doing nothing but eroding our own credibility with them. We are only reducing the level of respect kids will have for us as adults by pretending we never fall short.
So how do we walk that fine line? The one where on one side, we should strive to maintain a level of respect in our kids for other adults, be it coaches, teachers or neighbors. Where we want our kids to understand that they should be polite and respectful of all adults, and especially those in roles of authority. The side where they realize that sometimes giving respect to people who have not necessarily earned it is MORE about the person YOU are and LESS about who the other person is. But then on the other side of that line lies your own credibility as a parent. When my kid comes to me, having recognized that someone did something wrong, and is questioning the judgment and decision making of the other person. When my kid is looking for validation that they aren't crazy and that what happened really was the wrong thing, but giving that validation will undermine the respect and authority my kid will have for that person.
This is where it becomes a balancing act. Because I firmly believe in validating my kids. When they are able to recognize the right thing to do in a situation, they should be supported and encouraged, especially if we as parents want it to ever happen again. But I have to balance the "Yup that was a really sucky thing for that person to do and it was hurtful and they shouldn't have done it and they were wrong." with "...but YOU still have a responsibility to do what is right. And just because that coach (for example) is doing the wrong thing doesn't justify you doing the wrong thing and giving anything less than the very best you have." I'm not going to lie to my kids when they question whats right and whats wrong merely because doing so undermines their respect for another adult. But I can teach my kid that while the other person's actions are not a reflection on you (even if they directly involve you and are hurtful to you), YOUR actions ARE a reflection on you and you need to make sure that how you behave is exactly how you want others to see you.
Sometimes, doing what is right is a whole lot harder than doing what is wrong. Standing up to someone, especially someone in a position of authority, can be so much more difficult than sitting back quietly and riding out the storm. Agreeing with people who also recognize the wrong in the situation, but not being willing to take any action. Its a lot harder to bring home an F on a test and admit to your parents that you didn't study, than it is to cheat "just this once" in order to bring home an acceptable grade and not have to face the music of an F. But facing that music is the right thing to do. So I often tell our kids its more important to do the "hard right" rather than the "easy wrong". And that they can often recognize what the right thing to do is in any given situation by what is the most difficult thing to do about it. Its hard to accept responsibility and apologize. Its easier to point the finger and blame others, and turn your back and walk away.
I'm not always proud of my choices. I'm not always proud of the things I do or say, especially when its catty, snippy, snotty, pissy, judgmental, mean spirited, nasty, bitter, cruel, ugly, or all-around inappropriate. And I know I have to take steps to stop this when it happens. To resist the urge to give in, which is the right thing to do but is also hard to do in the moment when I'm angry or frustrated or hurt myself. But I acknowledge that I'm human and I need to do better at biting my tongue and not saying everything that comes to mind, if for no other reason than because I need to be setting that better example for my kids. Saying I'm human doesn't make my poor choices ok. But it does mean that I'm no worse than anyone else out there who is trying to do their best and sometimes being less than perfect. And I will continue work hard to set a better example for my kids. I will continue to validate them when they recognize right and wrong in the world, and I will continue to support them in doing the "hard right" even when everyone else around them, including adults, are taking the "easy wrong".
