I know that everyone has their own definition of what constitutes "good parenting". We each have our own sets of goals, hopes, and dreams for our kids. While the specifics and details might be different, I think we can all probably agree that we hope our kids will be happy, healthy, and productive members of society. I could be wrong, but I haven't met anyone yet who has said they were really hoping their kid was miserably depressed, terminally ill, or living in their parent's basement at 43 smoking pot and playing video games all day long.
So basically I think we can all agree on the general all-encompassing parenting goals. However, we all have different ideas about what will be the best, most effective path toward meeting those goals. Any given day provides us with a plethora of "teachable moments". Those moments where life naturally just happens and presents us with the opportunity to impart wisdom and perspective from our own life experiences to help guide our children through life safely. On a good day, I will try to take advantage of these teachable moments. Some days, however, these teachable moments need to be prioritized and broken down into smaller, and often times more practical, moments. Like telling myself that I am preparing them for college/young adulthood, when they will be broke and hungry, so that I don't feel like shit for not preparing a hot dinner with all the food groups represented. I mean, obviously, we all set the bar higher than pizza rolls and skittles, but sometimes, when push comes to shove, there are days when "success" means making it to bedtime in one piece. Just surviving makes it a good day. And I try not to feel too shitty about myself as a parent on those days.
One of my own personal parenting goals is to prepare my kids for life as an adult. Not to make their path obstacle-free, or bump-less, or without any adversity. I think these things build character and that they will learn more about themselves by facing those obstacles and bumps in the road with the appropriate guidance from us as parents. I want my kids to think about their decisions carefully, and understand the possible repercussions of their actions. And how those repercussions can have long term effects on their personal, professional, and social lives.
I think that learning to be a good partner/spouse/roommate/boy-or-girl friend is also a huge part of preparing for life as an adult. Cuz lets be honest, if that lesson doesn't "take" its a helluva lot more likely that the kid will end up as that 43 year old in the basement. Just sayin'. While we all, as individuals, have things that we specifically look for or are attracted to, I have come to realize that there are also some "universal truths" that make anyone more appealing to others, both as friends or roommates as well as partners or spouses.
1. Don't whine or cry to get your way. Its annoying. And people don't like to spend time with those who are annoying. That's why I make you leave the room when you whine at me. As you get older, that won't change.
2. Its not funny or cool to smell. Its annoying. And people don't like to spend time with those who are annoying and smelly. That's why I make you leave the room when you smell. As you get older, that won't change.
3. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don't assume that people will "know what you mean" unless you say what you mean. Laughing and running around and wrestling do NOT convey the message "Please leave me alone" or "Please get out of my room". You know what does? Saying "Please leave me alone" or "Pleases get out of my room".
4. Say what you mean and mean what you say with kindness and respect in mind. There are many different ways to convey that you aren't fond of the dinner I made. And each way will result in a different reaction from the me. So think very carefully before you speak.
5. Mean what you do and do what you mean. If you don't want to be friends with someone, then don't be. Because it will do more damage, and cause more hurt, to offer a false friendship with no intention or desire to back it up with sincere friendship-like behavior. However, you can be kind, nice, helpful, and respectful to everyone regardless of whether or not they are your friend.
6. Don't play mind games. The phrases "Well if you don't know, then I'm certainly not going to tell you" and "You should have known what I wanted/what I needed/what to do/what to say/what to buy" are a load of crap. No one is a mind reader.
7. Don't be passive-aggressive. When someone says "Please empty the dishwasher", pretending that you had no idea that the job entailed putting the dishes AWAY after stacking them on the counter insults not only the intelligence of the other person, but also paints quite a dumb-ass picture of you as well.
8. Do your share. Nothing is beneath you. Garbage, grass, pooper scooping, diaper duty, midnight feedings, laundry, vacuuming, cooking, dishes...nothing. Help out. And once in a while, you might even consider doing something WITHOUT being asked first. Oooooo. Freaky.
9. Boys: PUT THE SEAT UP. I realize this goes against the traditional mantra of "Put the seat down" but I'm fairly certain that she would rather have you put the seat up and leave it up, than spend a lifetime accidentally sitting in your pee in the middle of the night. Just sayin'.
10. Fight fair. Emotional blackmail (if you don't do this/that, I'm going to withhold love/affection/etc) or throwing old dirt (remember when you did this really awful/mean thing?) or keeping score (you hurt me/made mistakes this many more times than I have) keep you both on opposite sides, even after the fight is over. Resolve the issue so you can get back to being on the same side.
11. Don't fart at the table, during meals, while eating, around people you've just met, in small or enclosed spaces, in front of a girl you want to get to know (BOYS), during a job interview, at a wedding, at a funeral, in the principals office, in the boss's office, when meeting future in-laws, on a date, in a car, at a restaurant, during church, in a movie theater, on anyone's head, in anyone's face, or anytime you want to be taken seriously. If you are thinking about blaming the dog, make sure the dog is at least in the same room with you when you do it. Where can you fart? The bathroom. No, farts aren't funny.
12. Learn how to apologize. And do so sincerely or don't do it at all.
13. Learn how to accept an apology. And do so sincerely or don't do it at all.
14. Learn how to give a compliment. And do it sincerely or don't do it at all.
15. Learn how to accept a compliment. And do it sincerely. Period. Because the person giving it wanted you to have it.
16. Learn how to do laundry. In its simplest form, its colors and whites. Even the color blind can tell colors from whites. Seriously.
17. Learn how to use humor. Appropriately. It can break the ice, it can bring a smile to someone's face when they are sad, it can lighten a mood, it can make people laugh, it can ease embarrassment, it can create a connection, it can do all of these things. It can also shatter feelings, cause sadness and hurt, create embarrassment, make people cry, create distance, end relationships, scar, and close doors.
18. Crying isn't weakness. When you are injured, or upset, or hurting, or sad, its a perfectly acceptable thing to do to express that pain and sadness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an asshole. Straight up. However, crying every five minutes over every little thing that isn't exactly the way you want it, or because you can't have every little thing you want the exact minute that you want it, is in fact a weakness. And it makes you an asshole. Straight up.
19. Know what love is. Its honesty and trust and loyalty and forgiveness. Its wanting to put someone else ahead of yourself. Its making making their wants and needs, and your wants and needs, into "our" wants and needs. Its making what the other person IS more important to you than what the other person ISN'T. Its hard work. Its an everyday commitment.
20. Know what love isn't. Its not never getting angry or never getting hurt. It doesn't mean that you have to like everything about someone or everything they do. Love isn't perfection and fairy tale romance. Love isn't always clean and pretty and easy. But it is worth it.
There are, of course, many more equally important things to worry about but for now, my plate is full with these. I hope to get to the next set of important things to worry about before my kids are 43. And living in my basement.
