I must admit, I am fairly nervous about delving into the world of "blogging". From reading the blogs of others, it is clear that there are going to be haters. People who think I am off my rocker, who think my choices are all wrong, who will want to critique everything from the language I choose to the information I divulge to the grammar (or lack thereof) that I use (or don't use, as the case may be). I get it. Everyone's a critic. Everyone knows the right way, the good way, the better way. Well, to those people I say, this blog is DEFINITELY not for you. So please, I beg you, don't read it.
But I'm sure you will. Because for you, it will be like the crash on the side of the road, or the train-wreck you see out shopping at Tar-mart Lots who thinks she looks daym good cuz everyone is looking at her but its really because her skirt is tucked up in her underwear in the back and she's wearing 2 different color shoes and her makeup looks like Dee Snider from Twisted Sister. (See what I did right there? With the run on sentence, and no grammar? Door wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open.)
My life might look like a train wreck to some. There are days it looks like a train wreck to me. But its my wreck. And I am slowly but surely picking through the rubble one day at a time and trying to put a life together for myself and my family that will ultimately make the world a slightly better place. Don't worry. I'm not arrogant enough to think that my choices are grandiose enough to create a prototype for saving the world or ending world hunger or creating world peace. I do think, however, that by trying to raise my kids to be decent, caring, loving and FUN human beings, they can make a positive impact on society. Or at the very least not be 45 years old living in my basement playing video games and smoking weed instead of looking for a job. I hate to be selfish but if I had to choose one or the other, I'd choose the whole not living in my basement thing. Just saying.
Therefore I think I'll use this first post to warn readers about the sorts of things that they may encounter while reading this blog. This way, I can always fall back on the "don't say I didn't warn you" defense when someone is deeply offended by what they read here.
1) There is a high probability that you will run across some profanity (I'm trying reeeeaaaally hard in this first post to be good but I gotta tell you, its fucking hard!). I am a recovering potty mouth. Note, I said recovering. Not recover-ED. Not reformed. Not cured. Hell, not even repentant. I am a potty mouth. I'm not proud of it, any more than I am proud of my size 12 feet or the thighs I inherited from my dad. But these things are part of me and make me who I am. So I won't deny their existence, or pretend to be something I am not.
2) You will be reading about my random observations from my knowingly skewed perspective and my opinions about these observations. I am not a journalist. I am not obligated to tiptoe around anyone's delicate sensibilities by playing Switzerland on any and every issue that presents itself on the public platform. I am positive many will not agree with my opinions and that is wonderful and welcome. What a boring world this would be if we all agreed with each other. I am hopeful, though, that any discussion or disagreement can be handled respectfully and maturely. I apologize waaaaaaaay in advance if I offend or upset you with my random rantings. (At this point I realize I must apologize to Twisted Sister and Dee Snider if my reference to their make up was offensive, to the shoe industry, the world of undergarments, and to trains everywhere.) It is not my goal to offend, it is merely my goal to be me. If this in and of itself offends, I'm not surprised. I get that a lot. Sobeit.
3) I will at times reference my own life experiences NAMES WILL BE CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT. Names of the guilty will be asterisked, italicized, and written in bold, capital letters. Sometimes these references will instantly make you feel so much better about your own life experiences. Glad I could help. Some might make you laugh, some might make you cry, some might make you angry, some might make you go "Eh, so what?". That's all ok with me. All I ask is that you not judge my life experiences as right or wrong. They are what they are and if you feel compelled to rip them apart to make yourself feel better about your own life or situation, reference #1 and be prepared. I will jump the fuck off that recovery wagon and tongue-lash the dipshit right out of you, you pea-brained ass-hat. Sorry. Relapse. What I meant to say was, if you don't like what you read here, please go away and read someone else's blog. Thank you for your cooperation.
4) Sarcasm will be an ever-present and constant-flowing entity. In my family, it was a survival tool. Only the most sarcastic and whip-tongued were able to escape the constant ridicule and finger-pointing. The weak were ripped apart, used up, and thrown out like yesterdays trash. Ok, it might not have been that bad. But sarcasm was abundant in my family growing up and is abundant in my family to this day. I am working hard at carrying on the tradition with my own kids. When my 4 year old asked at the dinner table one night what sarcasm was, I told him it was when you say one thing but you really mean the opposite. He responded "Oh. Kinda like if I said 'Great dinner Mom'?" The tears of pride that streamed down my face as I choked up and answered "Yeah. Kinda like that." You can only imagine.
I hope I haven't scared you off. Hell, I hope some one actually reads this shit to BE scared off. Oh well, here's to jumping off the deep end. Here I go.
