Dear Snakes of XXXX XXXXXX Drive, XXXXX, XX:
Lets agree on one thing, shall we? I don't like you. Its nothing personal. Its not even something that I have a whole lot of control over. It just is what it is. Fortunately for you, my abhorrence of you works in your favor because I can NEVER get close enough to you to cause you bodily harm. So for that, I say You're Welcome.
In light of my feelings for you, you can surely understand that I do not enjoy or look forward to those rare times when I must encroach upon your "territory". I'm sure you can recognize and appreciate how far away from your usual resting places I stay. I don't go for strolls in the woods, or on the trail behind the house. I don't go riffling around in the bushes after lost baseballs or footballs. And I sure as hell am not digging through the wood pile or nosing around by the back shed. I have NO desire to disturb you or intrude upon you in any way, shape, or form.
Unfortunately, sometimes that cannot be avoided. Since the lawnmower is kept in the shed, I do have to go back there from time to time. Trust me, as much as you don't like me there, its no freakin' picnic for me to have to be there either! I try to get in and get out as quickly as possible. So it would be nice if, in return for my consideration, you would return the favor and respectfully stay the hell away from me until I can get my shit and get out of the shed!!!!! Because every time you decide to make your presence known, all you are doing is prolonging the agony and keeping me from leaving sooner. Because I can't concentrate on the task at hand with you in there with me. Because the tears and hyperventilating kinda get in the way. And I want to be out of your way as quickly as possible. So if you can be patient with me and just WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE for me to get out of your way before you go freakin' wiggling and shit all over the goddamn place, it would be really freakin' helpful!
And lets be honest...you don't like me very much either, do you? You think I don't know your little games, but I'm on to you. You can't tell me that you "didn't hear the mower coming". I'm not real clear on where your ears are, exactly, but I believe you have them, somewhere, in some fashion or another, and that you know exactly what you are doing when the mower is coming and you don't freaking get the hell out of the way. So is it some sort of game you all play? Some modified game of Chicken between you snakes and the mower? Do you draw straws for who has to go out into the path of the mower and stare it down until you are sure I will undoubtably have to see you before you slither away into the shrubs? I'm sure you all have a great laugh together over "making the crazy lady freak out". Well that's all well and good for right now, but it might not be so funny if the next time one of you decides to "make the crazy lady freak out", I have a goddamn shovel in my hand and go all Walking Dead on your ass!!! I don't like to make threats, but lets just say it would be a bad day for you, indeed, if my snake therapy actually starts to work well enough to allow me to get close enough to you to do this. So don't say you haven't been duly warned...
Here's the thing, though. We both live here. And it would seem that neither of us are going anywhere. You certainly don't seem to be going anywhere. And if that 5 foot long freak of nature mutant cousin of yours living next door hasn't gotten rid of me, its a pretty safe bet that I am staying as well. So can we come to some sort of arrangement, or agreement? I will stay away from you if you will stay away from me. I will ONLY go to the shed once a week between May and October to use the lawnmower. And for the 3 hours it takes to cut the grass, you will find something else to do and somewhere else to do it.
I'm not saying we will ever like each other. And I think we can agree that is probably never going to happen. But it would be nice to have some cooperation in making this whole co-habitation shit work, since I am doing you the dual courtesy of 1) NOT killing you and 2) providing you with entertainment and a show every time I catch you looking at me. There are plenty of houses in the neighborhood that would be happy to have you. If you like I will draw you a map so you can find them. I also know some fine young men who would be happy to help you move. I know you can't talk to give me an answer, so I'll just assume that the next time I see you, that is your way of communicating to me that you want to leave. And I will surely do whatever I can to make that happen for you. You're Welcome.
Sincerely,
The Crazy Freak Out Lady
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Oh, the Hypocrisy!!
I realize the shit storm I am about to call forth with the content of this post, and I realize that some will probably completely misunderstand what I am saying. In order to minimize this unavoidable outcome, let me preface this with some information. I am against bigotry and discrimination. I don't care what your religion, nationality, race, color, creed, gender, sexual orientation, immigration status, or political affiliation. Hate and intolerance do NOT help in any situation, they only cause harm. I say these things because I can't help but notice some serious hypocrisy going on in the news recently. And it is in pointing out the hypocrisy that I run the risk of being misunderstood.
Donald Sterling is the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers. He made some AWFUL, horribly racist remarks in a taped private conversation. The NBA has handed him a lifetime ban from the sport (and he may be forced to sell the franchise, but this remains to be seen). I get this. It makes sense to me. He has a right to be a racist and a bigot, but he doesn't have the right to be an NBA owner. As an NBA owner, Sterling agreed to abide by the NBA constitution, and therefore can be punished by the commissioner for behavior that is prejudicial or detrimental to the league as a whole. The decision by the commissioner has received widespread public support from just about everywhere - players, other NBA owners, politicians, the media, everywhere.
Flashback - Not too long ago, another public figure (let's call him...Phil) made bigoted remarks. NOT in private conversation, but directly to the media in a pubic interview. The company HE worked for (let's call it....A&E) decided not to renew his payday. Again, seems to make sense, the message being that this person has the right to be bigoted and hold whatever personal views he has, but he is NOT entitled to receive a paycheck from the company he worked for which doesn't agree with his sentiments and values. Confusingly, the public fall out and backlash was sooooooo NOT the same. In fact the public outrage at his potential loss of paycheck was crazy - like "Oh my God, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had a baby girl and named her North" levels of crazy.
Let me set up the parallels here...
2 men, each man makes disparaging and bigoted remarks that are not supported by the company he works for and do not represent the standards or values that the company wants to be associated with. Both men are informed by their company that they are no longer going to be getting paid by their company and are no longer going to be a part of that company's future. Basically, you do not represent us and we do not want to be associated with the remarks you made and therefore you will no longer be on our payroll.
Seems like the situations are nearly identical. Oh, wait, there is actually one BIG difference. Sterling's comments were made in a private conversation. A conversation he had no reason to believe would ever become made public. Just like a conversation might be had between you and a neighbor while standing at the BBQ grill in your back yard over a beer. Private. Personal. And he is getting a lifetime ban from the NBA. Phil makes his comments in a public interview. Directly to the media. As in, "this isn't an off-the-record conversation that is private between me and a friend, but an openly public statement for aaaaaaall to hear". And everyone freaks out because A&E doesn't want to pay him to represent their company anymore and there are calls to boycott A&E. Because this situation is about free speech and Phil's right to speak his opinions, whether in public OR private. And all kinds of people publicly came to poor Phil's defense, even though A&E was merely exercising THEIR freedom not to have to employ someone who makes publicly bigoted statements that do NOT in any way represent their opinions or values.
What I am wondering is where are all the "freedom of speech" Phil supporters? Why aren't any of them outraged and coming to Donald Sterling's defense? It seems to me that Sterling's punishment for private comments would fall directly in line with their position. I mean, if Phil's publicly stated bigotry should be protected I would definitely think they would be screaming from the rafters to protect a private conversation in which bigoted statements were made.
So I'm just wondering where all the support for Sterling is. Where is the rally among those who were so vocal in support of Phil? And I can only come to one conclusion. Its ok to be an open and public bigot, but just not a private racist. Its okay to publicly express derogatory comments about homosexuals, but its not okay to make private racist comments. Its freedom of speech to go on the public record with discriminatory remarks regarding sexual orientation, and it should be protected and respected because he was just speaking his mind and expressing his opinion. But its not freedom of speech to make private comments to your girlfriend that are racist, and this should not be protected because he wasn't just speaking his mind and expressing his opinion. It is the height of hypocrisy that the Phil supporters are not out in full force supporting Sterling. Like "I just climbed to the top of Mt. Everest without the use of external oxygen" height.
The fact that they are no where to be seen leads me to believe that the freedom of speech that was so eloquently espoused for on behalf of Phil only applies to the belief's that they personally agree with. If you agree with Phil's comments regarding homosexuality, its freedom of speech. But if you don't agree with Sterling, its not. So intolerance and discrimination and bigotry are okay when its about a person's sexual orientation, but not okay when its about a person's race? Hypocrisy.
Both of these men have the right to whatever opinions and beliefs they choose. And both of these men have the right to say whatever they want wherever and whenever they choose. But neither of these men are "entitled" to jobs and paychecks from companies whose values are in opposition to these men's personal views. And ANYONE who was jumping on the "Phil" bandwagon screaming "freedom of speech" all those months ago but who is not willing to do the same public campaigning for Sterling's "freedom of speech" rights, is a hypocrite. I agree with and stand behind the rights of A&E and the NBA. Bigotry and racism do NOT entitle you to a paycheck. But choosing to support Phil and not Sterling is saying bigotry against this group is acceptable but racism against this group is wrong. Guess what? Its ALL wrong. And picking and choosing which ones are supported by free speech and which ones aren't is a hypocrisy I just can't sit back and say nothing about any longer. Even if it does create a shit storm of epic proportions. Heading straight for me. Its okay. I'm used to it. Bring it on.
Donald Sterling is the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers. He made some AWFUL, horribly racist remarks in a taped private conversation. The NBA has handed him a lifetime ban from the sport (and he may be forced to sell the franchise, but this remains to be seen). I get this. It makes sense to me. He has a right to be a racist and a bigot, but he doesn't have the right to be an NBA owner. As an NBA owner, Sterling agreed to abide by the NBA constitution, and therefore can be punished by the commissioner for behavior that is prejudicial or detrimental to the league as a whole. The decision by the commissioner has received widespread public support from just about everywhere - players, other NBA owners, politicians, the media, everywhere.
Flashback - Not too long ago, another public figure (let's call him...Phil) made bigoted remarks. NOT in private conversation, but directly to the media in a pubic interview. The company HE worked for (let's call it....A&E) decided not to renew his payday. Again, seems to make sense, the message being that this person has the right to be bigoted and hold whatever personal views he has, but he is NOT entitled to receive a paycheck from the company he worked for which doesn't agree with his sentiments and values. Confusingly, the public fall out and backlash was sooooooo NOT the same. In fact the public outrage at his potential loss of paycheck was crazy - like "Oh my God, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had a baby girl and named her North" levels of crazy.
Let me set up the parallels here...
2 men, each man makes disparaging and bigoted remarks that are not supported by the company he works for and do not represent the standards or values that the company wants to be associated with. Both men are informed by their company that they are no longer going to be getting paid by their company and are no longer going to be a part of that company's future. Basically, you do not represent us and we do not want to be associated with the remarks you made and therefore you will no longer be on our payroll.
Seems like the situations are nearly identical. Oh, wait, there is actually one BIG difference. Sterling's comments were made in a private conversation. A conversation he had no reason to believe would ever become made public. Just like a conversation might be had between you and a neighbor while standing at the BBQ grill in your back yard over a beer. Private. Personal. And he is getting a lifetime ban from the NBA. Phil makes his comments in a public interview. Directly to the media. As in, "this isn't an off-the-record conversation that is private between me and a friend, but an openly public statement for aaaaaaall to hear". And everyone freaks out because A&E doesn't want to pay him to represent their company anymore and there are calls to boycott A&E. Because this situation is about free speech and Phil's right to speak his opinions, whether in public OR private. And all kinds of people publicly came to poor Phil's defense, even though A&E was merely exercising THEIR freedom not to have to employ someone who makes publicly bigoted statements that do NOT in any way represent their opinions or values.
What I am wondering is where are all the "freedom of speech" Phil supporters? Why aren't any of them outraged and coming to Donald Sterling's defense? It seems to me that Sterling's punishment for private comments would fall directly in line with their position. I mean, if Phil's publicly stated bigotry should be protected I would definitely think they would be screaming from the rafters to protect a private conversation in which bigoted statements were made.
So I'm just wondering where all the support for Sterling is. Where is the rally among those who were so vocal in support of Phil? And I can only come to one conclusion. Its ok to be an open and public bigot, but just not a private racist. Its okay to publicly express derogatory comments about homosexuals, but its not okay to make private racist comments. Its freedom of speech to go on the public record with discriminatory remarks regarding sexual orientation, and it should be protected and respected because he was just speaking his mind and expressing his opinion. But its not freedom of speech to make private comments to your girlfriend that are racist, and this should not be protected because he wasn't just speaking his mind and expressing his opinion. It is the height of hypocrisy that the Phil supporters are not out in full force supporting Sterling. Like "I just climbed to the top of Mt. Everest without the use of external oxygen" height.
The fact that they are no where to be seen leads me to believe that the freedom of speech that was so eloquently espoused for on behalf of Phil only applies to the belief's that they personally agree with. If you agree with Phil's comments regarding homosexuality, its freedom of speech. But if you don't agree with Sterling, its not. So intolerance and discrimination and bigotry are okay when its about a person's sexual orientation, but not okay when its about a person's race? Hypocrisy.
Both of these men have the right to whatever opinions and beliefs they choose. And both of these men have the right to say whatever they want wherever and whenever they choose. But neither of these men are "entitled" to jobs and paychecks from companies whose values are in opposition to these men's personal views. And ANYONE who was jumping on the "Phil" bandwagon screaming "freedom of speech" all those months ago but who is not willing to do the same public campaigning for Sterling's "freedom of speech" rights, is a hypocrite. I agree with and stand behind the rights of A&E and the NBA. Bigotry and racism do NOT entitle you to a paycheck. But choosing to support Phil and not Sterling is saying bigotry against this group is acceptable but racism against this group is wrong. Guess what? Its ALL wrong. And picking and choosing which ones are supported by free speech and which ones aren't is a hypocrisy I just can't sit back and say nothing about any longer. Even if it does create a shit storm of epic proportions. Heading straight for me. Its okay. I'm used to it. Bring it on.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Pride and Blocking....
I realize I may very well offend someone (or many ones) with this post, so I apologize in advance and this is my personal disclaimer. But I fear I must rant today. To some it may not seem like a very important or necessary topic to rant about, but I must get it off my chest nonetheless. Quite simply, it boils down to this: Don't tell me what to post on my Facebook page. Just. Don't. And more specifically, don't bitch about how annoying you find my running posts to be.
Here's the thing. I'd say I'm sorry that my posts about how far I ran today are annoying to you, but I'm really not sorry. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I'm proud of how far I ran today. I'm proud of that accomplishment. Because 3 years ago I was 40 pounds overweight, unhappy, out of shape, with bad knees and a bad attitude. I wanted to start a running program I heard about, the Couch to 5K program, but I was so embarrassed by my appearance I couldn't bring myself to run out in public. So I started out doing laps in my privacy fenced-in back yard. Now 3 years later, I just have bad knees and a bad attitude, and I can run 4+ miles at a time, confidently and in public, and I am proud of that accomplishment. And I'm not sorry if that accomplishment annoys you.
Because I'm going to be as proud of that accomplishment as you are of all yours. I mean, seriously, if you can be proud of the fact that you just prepared a vegan, organic, gluten-free, 7 course meal for your family using only raw free-range ingredients grown by local farmers, I can be proud of my run. If you can be post with pride that your child is now sleeping through the night, or potty trained, or meeting some other milestone, I can post my run with pride. If you can post pictures of drinks you and your friends have consumed while out partying your brains out, I refuse to be believe that my run postings are the most annoying thing on your news feed. If you can proudly post links to every political hot-button issue out there and your personal political opinion on each and every issue, I can be proud of and post my personal achievements. If you can post pictures from Pinterest of craft ideas that haven't a shot in hell of EVER being duplicated accurately in any version of reality, I can post about something that I was actually able to do in real life.
I'm not naive. I get that sometimes the things that I think are "post worthy" might not seem "post worthy" to others. But rather than imply that YOUR vision of Facebook posting should be everyone else's vision of Facebook posting by sending up messages that say I shouldn't post about my run unless I was being chased by something, perhaps you could understand that maybe its not your place to judge what I do or do not post. And if you have a real, substantial, and serious problem with my run posts, here's a suggestion: Block. Me. Yup, block my ass right the hell off your page. Just like I do when I don't like something, or it becomes too much, or too annoying. Rather than make passive-aggressive posts on Facebook about how annoying I find it to be, I just block that shit. Why the hell should they give a shit about my opinion? Why the hell should my opinion on what they post matter to them? Who the hell am I to tell them they should or shouldn't post whatever annoying shit they are posting? Exactly. So you won't be surprised to learn that I don't give a shit about your opinion that my run postings are annoying. Your opinion of my run postings really doesn't matter to me because I am proud of what those posts mean to ME and MY journey. And I'm not really sure who the hell you think you are trying to imply that I should structure MY Facebook posts around what will or will not annoy YOU.
So block me. Because I will continue to post the accomplishments I am proud of. I will continue to post things that relate to me on a personal and meaningful level. And I will continue to run when I run and post about it if I choose. And I will continue to read about your menu for last nights dinner, your child's band/chorus/play performance, your most recent vacation or girls/boys night out, your latest craft project/home renovation, and the latest political survey/poll/article/issue you find important and relevant. And when it gets too much, have no fear - I will not hesitate to block your ass whenever I feel necessary. Just as I encourage you to do.
Here's the thing. I'd say I'm sorry that my posts about how far I ran today are annoying to you, but I'm really not sorry. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I'm proud of how far I ran today. I'm proud of that accomplishment. Because 3 years ago I was 40 pounds overweight, unhappy, out of shape, with bad knees and a bad attitude. I wanted to start a running program I heard about, the Couch to 5K program, but I was so embarrassed by my appearance I couldn't bring myself to run out in public. So I started out doing laps in my privacy fenced-in back yard. Now 3 years later, I just have bad knees and a bad attitude, and I can run 4+ miles at a time, confidently and in public, and I am proud of that accomplishment. And I'm not sorry if that accomplishment annoys you.
Because I'm going to be as proud of that accomplishment as you are of all yours. I mean, seriously, if you can be proud of the fact that you just prepared a vegan, organic, gluten-free, 7 course meal for your family using only raw free-range ingredients grown by local farmers, I can be proud of my run. If you can be post with pride that your child is now sleeping through the night, or potty trained, or meeting some other milestone, I can post my run with pride. If you can post pictures of drinks you and your friends have consumed while out partying your brains out, I refuse to be believe that my run postings are the most annoying thing on your news feed. If you can proudly post links to every political hot-button issue out there and your personal political opinion on each and every issue, I can be proud of and post my personal achievements. If you can post pictures from Pinterest of craft ideas that haven't a shot in hell of EVER being duplicated accurately in any version of reality, I can post about something that I was actually able to do in real life.
I'm not naive. I get that sometimes the things that I think are "post worthy" might not seem "post worthy" to others. But rather than imply that YOUR vision of Facebook posting should be everyone else's vision of Facebook posting by sending up messages that say I shouldn't post about my run unless I was being chased by something, perhaps you could understand that maybe its not your place to judge what I do or do not post. And if you have a real, substantial, and serious problem with my run posts, here's a suggestion: Block. Me. Yup, block my ass right the hell off your page. Just like I do when I don't like something, or it becomes too much, or too annoying. Rather than make passive-aggressive posts on Facebook about how annoying I find it to be, I just block that shit. Why the hell should they give a shit about my opinion? Why the hell should my opinion on what they post matter to them? Who the hell am I to tell them they should or shouldn't post whatever annoying shit they are posting? Exactly. So you won't be surprised to learn that I don't give a shit about your opinion that my run postings are annoying. Your opinion of my run postings really doesn't matter to me because I am proud of what those posts mean to ME and MY journey. And I'm not really sure who the hell you think you are trying to imply that I should structure MY Facebook posts around what will or will not annoy YOU.
So block me. Because I will continue to post the accomplishments I am proud of. I will continue to post things that relate to me on a personal and meaningful level. And I will continue to run when I run and post about it if I choose. And I will continue to read about your menu for last nights dinner, your child's band/chorus/play performance, your most recent vacation or girls/boys night out, your latest craft project/home renovation, and the latest political survey/poll/article/issue you find important and relevant. And when it gets too much, have no fear - I will not hesitate to block your ass whenever I feel necessary. Just as I encourage you to do.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Don't be an asshole and suck
Raising kids is hard. It really is. And most of us worry constantly that we aren't doing a good enough job. And honestly, I think we should worry about that. Because it shows that we care about the job we are doing. I don't mean stress and fret constantly and hover endlessly and freak out over every little thing. That just freaks the kids out and solves nothing. But, I think to worry and ponder and wonder what we could be doing differently or better means we are willing to recognize that there is always room for improvement. And not worrying about it shows a distinct lack of interest in the subject.
I wish there were a guide book or manual for parenting. One that lays it all out - what to do, how to do it, when to do it, where to do it, and then gives complete examples with full color illustrations of what NOT to do, how NOT to do it, when NOT to do it, and where NOT to do it. Basically, how NOT to suck at parenting. I got a book like this for a friend of mine who was having her first baby. It covered some of the real basics, like using a towel to dry a baby after a bath instead of a microwave. And showed the correct way to hold a baby in your arms, not by clutching the baby's head bowling-ball style. And which end the bottle goes for correct feeding. I don't think she needed all of this information, per se, but I'm sure it didn't hurt. But unfortunately I think those who would benefit most from such a manual wouldn't bother to take the time to read it. Too many words. Takes too long.
I think I can boil not sucking at parenting down into its simplest form.
Don't be an asshole.
There. If you, as a parent, are ever in a situation where you wonder what the right thing to do is, just don't be an asshole. All of the recommendations in the book I got my friend really just boil down to not being an asshole, really. Cuz only an asshole puts a baby in a microwave, or carries it around by its head, or shoves a bottle in its butt. Think about it. Any situation where a kid is mistreated, abused, bullied, ridiculed, harassed, or otherwise made to feel like shit, I bet when you get right down to the core of it, there was a person being an asshole.
If your kid is sick, don't be an asshole and sit by idly watching him/her get sicker and sicker or worse yet, die. Take the kid to a doctor.
If your baby is crying, don't be an asshole and lock it in a closet, kick it, throw it, smack it, shake it, toss it out a window, or smother it with a pillow, so you can watch TV or nap in peace. Change its diaper, give it a bottle, or maybe even hold it and show it some love and attention.
If your kids grades suck, don't be an asshole and tell the kid he/she is stupid and not trying hard enough. Find out what he/she needs and maybe help him/her.
And if you don't like kids, don't be an asshole and HAVE them. Do something else with your life.
Because when adults are assholes around kids, the kids are much more likely to be assholes. If a kid has an asshole dad who thinks its ok to beat up mom, this kid is more likely to grow up an asshole who thinks its ok to beat up women. Someone eventually has to NOT be an asshole and break the cycle. The earlier in the cycle someone stops being an asshole, the better.
And no one is born an asshole. Assholes are created through learned behavior. Either because its what they were taught and what they were brought up to believe was acceptable behavior, or because no one took the time or the effort to correct them when they made an assholic decision.
No parent wants to suck. And no parent wants to believe that they suck, even in the face of mountains of evidence that all point toward their suckage. But I think we all suck at times as parents. None of us are perfect, and we all have our moments where we don't say or do the right thing. And most parents feel bad about that, and try to talk to their kids about it and apologize for their mistakes. This is an example of "not being an asshole" by a parent. Because kids need to learn that its ok to make mistakes and screw up as long as they take responsibility for it and apologize and attempt to make amends or fix it.
If they see their parents imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are more likely to see their own imperfections as an acceptable part of being human.
And if they can see their own imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are more likely to see other's imperfections as an acceptable part of being human.
And if they can see other's imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are less likely to feel the need to bully others, insult others, tear others down, humiliate others, berate and belittle others, or take joy in other's pain, just to feel a little bit better about themselves.
I wish more parents understood the importance that "not being an asshole" holds in both not sucking as a parent and in raising a kid who is not an asshole. Because what this world needs is fewer sucky parents and fewer assholes. I think I have just solved the problem of world peace. Fewer sucky parents and fewer assholes.
I wish there were a guide book or manual for parenting. One that lays it all out - what to do, how to do it, when to do it, where to do it, and then gives complete examples with full color illustrations of what NOT to do, how NOT to do it, when NOT to do it, and where NOT to do it. Basically, how NOT to suck at parenting. I got a book like this for a friend of mine who was having her first baby. It covered some of the real basics, like using a towel to dry a baby after a bath instead of a microwave. And showed the correct way to hold a baby in your arms, not by clutching the baby's head bowling-ball style. And which end the bottle goes for correct feeding. I don't think she needed all of this information, per se, but I'm sure it didn't hurt. But unfortunately I think those who would benefit most from such a manual wouldn't bother to take the time to read it. Too many words. Takes too long.
I think I can boil not sucking at parenting down into its simplest form.
Don't be an asshole.
There. If you, as a parent, are ever in a situation where you wonder what the right thing to do is, just don't be an asshole. All of the recommendations in the book I got my friend really just boil down to not being an asshole, really. Cuz only an asshole puts a baby in a microwave, or carries it around by its head, or shoves a bottle in its butt. Think about it. Any situation where a kid is mistreated, abused, bullied, ridiculed, harassed, or otherwise made to feel like shit, I bet when you get right down to the core of it, there was a person being an asshole.
If your kid is sick, don't be an asshole and sit by idly watching him/her get sicker and sicker or worse yet, die. Take the kid to a doctor.
If your baby is crying, don't be an asshole and lock it in a closet, kick it, throw it, smack it, shake it, toss it out a window, or smother it with a pillow, so you can watch TV or nap in peace. Change its diaper, give it a bottle, or maybe even hold it and show it some love and attention.
If your kids grades suck, don't be an asshole and tell the kid he/she is stupid and not trying hard enough. Find out what he/she needs and maybe help him/her.
And if you don't like kids, don't be an asshole and HAVE them. Do something else with your life.
Because when adults are assholes around kids, the kids are much more likely to be assholes. If a kid has an asshole dad who thinks its ok to beat up mom, this kid is more likely to grow up an asshole who thinks its ok to beat up women. Someone eventually has to NOT be an asshole and break the cycle. The earlier in the cycle someone stops being an asshole, the better.
And no one is born an asshole. Assholes are created through learned behavior. Either because its what they were taught and what they were brought up to believe was acceptable behavior, or because no one took the time or the effort to correct them when they made an assholic decision.
No parent wants to suck. And no parent wants to believe that they suck, even in the face of mountains of evidence that all point toward their suckage. But I think we all suck at times as parents. None of us are perfect, and we all have our moments where we don't say or do the right thing. And most parents feel bad about that, and try to talk to their kids about it and apologize for their mistakes. This is an example of "not being an asshole" by a parent. Because kids need to learn that its ok to make mistakes and screw up as long as they take responsibility for it and apologize and attempt to make amends or fix it.
If they see their parents imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are more likely to see their own imperfections as an acceptable part of being human.
And if they can see their own imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are more likely to see other's imperfections as an acceptable part of being human.
And if they can see other's imperfections as an acceptable part of being human, they are less likely to feel the need to bully others, insult others, tear others down, humiliate others, berate and belittle others, or take joy in other's pain, just to feel a little bit better about themselves.
I wish more parents understood the importance that "not being an asshole" holds in both not sucking as a parent and in raising a kid who is not an asshole. Because what this world needs is fewer sucky parents and fewer assholes. I think I have just solved the problem of world peace. Fewer sucky parents and fewer assholes.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Great. Christmas is RUINED. Again.
Some of you might not know this about me, but I come from a fairly sarcastic family. As a result, sarcasm is pretty much an established fixture at all family holidays and gatherings. Over the years, one of my kids favorite traditions is pointing out the various ways in which a particular holiday or occasion has been "ruined!" by someone. Usually me. And to have the appropriate effect, you must declare in your most exasperated voice "Oh Great! Now its ruined!" This works for birthdays, holidays, sunday dinners, vacations...just about any time family is together.
Sometimes, this accusation is justifiable. Like the Thanksgiving when I forgot to thaw the turkey. And we spent about 7 hours with a turkey in the bathtub trying to get it thawed enough for it to be cookable, and still have enough time to eat dinner before midnight. Other times, a person can be called out for merely not making enough gravy. Its a tough crowd. Be-LIEVE me! Over the years, there have been a plethora of "ruined" holidays that all went down in a variety of ways, some more epic than others. These are some of the ways I have learned over the years to "ruin!" a holiday or special occasion for my kids...
1. When doing a last minute (like, Christmas Eve level of "last minute") gift tag shuffle, thanks to some family members who opted to purchase an item already allotted to a different person, thus forcing me to try to avoid a kid opening 2 of the same things, you can accidentally leave the original "To:--- From:---" gift tag on it even though this gift has now been re-allotted to being from Santa. So the kid opens his "santa gift" only to see a tag written in Mom's handwriting, indicating its from another family member. Not only does this "ruin" the Christmas in question, but has the added benefit of epically ruining all future Christmases by, in one fell swoop, dashing the childhood fantasy of Santa forever. Totally Epic.
2. Although not officially my fault, you can get your oven/stove to go kaput the week before Thanksgiving (or any holiday), thus resulting in a complete inability to provide any of the expected traditional holiday menu selections, and starting a new tradition (which thankfully lasted only the one year) of ribs in a crock pot, powdered mashed potatoes made in a microwave, salad, and bread for Thanksgiving followed by ice cream instead of pie.
3. Not enough gravy. Or biscuits. Apparently these items are of near critical importance.
4. After promising the traditional Christmas morning breakfast of homemade french toast, you can realize you are completely out of syrup. So make your 13 year old go with you, at 7:30am in your pajamas, to every quick stop, gas station, grocery, convenience store, and Walmart in the area looking for someplace that is not only OPEN, but that also stocks syrup. When you don't find any (because you won't find any), offer to make alternate breakfast options only to be told that its not "really Christmas" without the french toast and that the day will be, you guessed it, "ruined!" without a breakfast of french toast. Said kid will now have to canvas the neighborhood looking for a neighbor who is not only up at the ass-crack of dawn, but who also has a surplus of syrup on hand that they are willing to part with. All before you have had your morning Diet Coke. Or coffee. Or whatever your morning drug of choice is.
5. Accidentally mix up the color selections. And put the 10 year old's sweatshirt (in HIS color choice) in the 13 year old's box, and the 13 year old's sweatshirt (in HIS color choice) in the 10 year old's box. Oh the horror.
6. Forget to take pictures. That is a classic that can be reused year after year. Not that I would know this. Just speculation.
7. Make your family celebrate Christmas in Alabama. Nuf said.
8. Forget to hide the Christmas pickle. In fact, if you do this often enough, you can actually ruin the tradition of "forgetting to hide the Christmas pickle" by actually hiding the damn thing, and pissing everyone off for making them look for it.
9. Forget to actually have a prize/gift item for the kid who finds the Christmas pickle the one time you remember to hide it. This can set you up nicely for future Christmases when they don't know what to expect from the pickle situation in years to come (did she hide it? or didn't she? will there be anything for me if she DID hide it? or will it all be for nothing in the end anyway?)
10. Insist that the children wait for you to complete a 5 mile run before being able to open Christmas presents. Even if you don't follow through with it, the looks on their faces when you tell them this will be totally worth it. The longer you can keep a straight face the better. If you have running attire, I recommend putting it on so as to really "sell it".
11. Burn the pies.
12. Let the kids watch a movie, like Gremlins for instance, on Christmas Eve without remembering the part in the movie where the girl gives a speech about why she doesn't like Christmas that ends with "...and that's how I learned that Santa Claus wasn't real." The look on your 6 year old's face will be priceless.
13. Forget whose turn it is to put the Army ornament on the tree this year. Ask the 10 year old and 13 year old to work it out by themselves. This is so much fun, in fact, that it might even be enough to "ruin" the entire week before Christmas.
14. Remind a child under the age of 6, while in the middle of midnight mass, that there is nothing you can do about the fact that he/she is suddenly dying of hunger, since you don't have any food items stashed in your purse. This can make a "come to Jesus" moment much more convenient, since you are already at Jesus' place. And apparently, its a lot of fun for the other parishioners seated in your vicinity as well. By the way, pointing out to a child in this situation that Santa is, in fact, still watching and has time to bypass said child's home will NOT help the situation. Unless by help you mean "escalates the situation exponentially". Then, yes. It helps.
I hope this helps you all ruin your family holidays as much as it has helped me ruin them for mine. Happy Holidays.
Sometimes, this accusation is justifiable. Like the Thanksgiving when I forgot to thaw the turkey. And we spent about 7 hours with a turkey in the bathtub trying to get it thawed enough for it to be cookable, and still have enough time to eat dinner before midnight. Other times, a person can be called out for merely not making enough gravy. Its a tough crowd. Be-LIEVE me! Over the years, there have been a plethora of "ruined" holidays that all went down in a variety of ways, some more epic than others. These are some of the ways I have learned over the years to "ruin!" a holiday or special occasion for my kids...
1. When doing a last minute (like, Christmas Eve level of "last minute") gift tag shuffle, thanks to some family members who opted to purchase an item already allotted to a different person, thus forcing me to try to avoid a kid opening 2 of the same things, you can accidentally leave the original "To:--- From:---" gift tag on it even though this gift has now been re-allotted to being from Santa. So the kid opens his "santa gift" only to see a tag written in Mom's handwriting, indicating its from another family member. Not only does this "ruin" the Christmas in question, but has the added benefit of epically ruining all future Christmases by, in one fell swoop, dashing the childhood fantasy of Santa forever. Totally Epic.
2. Although not officially my fault, you can get your oven/stove to go kaput the week before Thanksgiving (or any holiday), thus resulting in a complete inability to provide any of the expected traditional holiday menu selections, and starting a new tradition (which thankfully lasted only the one year) of ribs in a crock pot, powdered mashed potatoes made in a microwave, salad, and bread for Thanksgiving followed by ice cream instead of pie.
3. Not enough gravy. Or biscuits. Apparently these items are of near critical importance.
4. After promising the traditional Christmas morning breakfast of homemade french toast, you can realize you are completely out of syrup. So make your 13 year old go with you, at 7:30am in your pajamas, to every quick stop, gas station, grocery, convenience store, and Walmart in the area looking for someplace that is not only OPEN, but that also stocks syrup. When you don't find any (because you won't find any), offer to make alternate breakfast options only to be told that its not "really Christmas" without the french toast and that the day will be, you guessed it, "ruined!" without a breakfast of french toast. Said kid will now have to canvas the neighborhood looking for a neighbor who is not only up at the ass-crack of dawn, but who also has a surplus of syrup on hand that they are willing to part with. All before you have had your morning Diet Coke. Or coffee. Or whatever your morning drug of choice is.
5. Accidentally mix up the color selections. And put the 10 year old's sweatshirt (in HIS color choice) in the 13 year old's box, and the 13 year old's sweatshirt (in HIS color choice) in the 10 year old's box. Oh the horror.
6. Forget to take pictures. That is a classic that can be reused year after year. Not that I would know this. Just speculation.
7. Make your family celebrate Christmas in Alabama. Nuf said.
8. Forget to hide the Christmas pickle. In fact, if you do this often enough, you can actually ruin the tradition of "forgetting to hide the Christmas pickle" by actually hiding the damn thing, and pissing everyone off for making them look for it.
9. Forget to actually have a prize/gift item for the kid who finds the Christmas pickle the one time you remember to hide it. This can set you up nicely for future Christmases when they don't know what to expect from the pickle situation in years to come (did she hide it? or didn't she? will there be anything for me if she DID hide it? or will it all be for nothing in the end anyway?)
10. Insist that the children wait for you to complete a 5 mile run before being able to open Christmas presents. Even if you don't follow through with it, the looks on their faces when you tell them this will be totally worth it. The longer you can keep a straight face the better. If you have running attire, I recommend putting it on so as to really "sell it".
11. Burn the pies.
12. Let the kids watch a movie, like Gremlins for instance, on Christmas Eve without remembering the part in the movie where the girl gives a speech about why she doesn't like Christmas that ends with "...and that's how I learned that Santa Claus wasn't real." The look on your 6 year old's face will be priceless.
13. Forget whose turn it is to put the Army ornament on the tree this year. Ask the 10 year old and 13 year old to work it out by themselves. This is so much fun, in fact, that it might even be enough to "ruin" the entire week before Christmas.
14. Remind a child under the age of 6, while in the middle of midnight mass, that there is nothing you can do about the fact that he/she is suddenly dying of hunger, since you don't have any food items stashed in your purse. This can make a "come to Jesus" moment much more convenient, since you are already at Jesus' place. And apparently, its a lot of fun for the other parishioners seated in your vicinity as well. By the way, pointing out to a child in this situation that Santa is, in fact, still watching and has time to bypass said child's home will NOT help the situation. Unless by help you mean "escalates the situation exponentially". Then, yes. It helps.
I hope this helps you all ruin your family holidays as much as it has helped me ruin them for mine. Happy Holidays.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
My Dog is a Heat Hog
Winter isn't just coming - its here. Maybe it hasn't arrived full throttle yet, with all its guns blazing. But its here. Its cold outside every day. There are no more 60 degree days, no more brief pockets of respite from the constant chill in the air. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. I actually LOVE winter. I grew up in an area where sledding, skiing, snow mobiling, skating, and all types of winter snowy fun were everywhere. I learned to bundle up and enjoy it, because the only other alternative was to be miserable for 3-4 months. But I'm also not a fan of being cold for the sake of being cold, which is why the learning to "bundle up" part was such a crucial part of the lesson growing up. Because lets face it - NO one has ever EVER met a kid with ice cold toes and soaking wet mittens who was a joy to be around, or in anything resembling a good mood.
So I enjoy winter, but I enjoy it because I know how to stay warm and comfortable. I have the cozy blankets out on the couch that I can bundle up under when I am watching TV or reading a good book. Hot chocolate and hot spiced cider become a more frequent beverage of choice in front of the fireplace. I pull my fuzzy socks out from the back of the drawer and wear them around the house instead of flip flops. My turtle necks and sweaters and sweatshirts reappear from the bottom of the chest where they are stored in the summer. And the thermostat gets set accordingly.
Now I don't need the house to be at Miami, Florida temperatures in the winter. Usually 68 degrees is the generally agreed upon comfortable temperature for our house during the cold months. And for the most part, this temperature setting has been more than adequate to meet our warming needs. Until this winter. When our dog got smarter. And is now sucking my heat.
I thought it was only my husband who had a habit of being a heat sucker. You know, someone who is cold and decides to cozy up to you when you are nice and warm, and suck your heat away from you for themselves. And I don't care how often you try to say it. Placing your cold feet on my toasty warm feet isn't "sharing" heat. Because now my feet are cold as fucking ice!! And your feet are now getting the benefit of MY heat!! That's not sharing. That is stealing. Sucking my heat. And now the dog has gotten in on the action.
In our front room we have 2 windows that go all the way to the floor, and the 2 heat vents for this room are right under these windows. On one window, the vent is off set to one side, leaving half of the floor in front of the window open and bare. Every night, as I am straightening things up from the disarray of the day before, I make sure the dog's bed is in this bare spot in front of the window. I know she likes to look out the window and watch the snow fall or the squirrels running or the neighbors walking their dogs. So I make sure she has plenty of room to do this from her bed.
At some point(s) throughout the day, she is moving her dog bed on top of that vent. I don't just mean that it accidentally slid over a little bit, or that it shifted slightly to one side. No. That sucker has been dragged or pushed or pulled or hauled over to be left completely on top of and covering the heat vent. There isn't a single little tiny slat left for air to blow into the room that isn't completely blocked by her damn dog bed.
So we have a little game we like to play. I move her bed off the vent. I leave the room to go about my day. While I am gone, she moves her bed back on top of the heat vent and sleeps all toasty warm in her personal heat infused dog bed, secure in the knowledge that she has effectively sucked up all the heat in the room for herself. I return to the room and move her bed off the vent. This will happen at least 3 times a day. Every day. What. The. Shit.
And this is not a prima donna dog. She loves to romp in the snow and go for long winter walks in the woods. She's not doing it because she is too dainty to handle being a tad bit chilly. She is just effing with me. Taunting me when I am not looking. Like its all some big hilarious game to her. This is the shit I'd expect from my kids. Not someone who doesn't even have opposable thumbs. I guess I should have expected that this dog would be trouble eventually. After all, she IS from Alabama.
So I enjoy winter, but I enjoy it because I know how to stay warm and comfortable. I have the cozy blankets out on the couch that I can bundle up under when I am watching TV or reading a good book. Hot chocolate and hot spiced cider become a more frequent beverage of choice in front of the fireplace. I pull my fuzzy socks out from the back of the drawer and wear them around the house instead of flip flops. My turtle necks and sweaters and sweatshirts reappear from the bottom of the chest where they are stored in the summer. And the thermostat gets set accordingly.
Now I don't need the house to be at Miami, Florida temperatures in the winter. Usually 68 degrees is the generally agreed upon comfortable temperature for our house during the cold months. And for the most part, this temperature setting has been more than adequate to meet our warming needs. Until this winter. When our dog got smarter. And is now sucking my heat.
I thought it was only my husband who had a habit of being a heat sucker. You know, someone who is cold and decides to cozy up to you when you are nice and warm, and suck your heat away from you for themselves. And I don't care how often you try to say it. Placing your cold feet on my toasty warm feet isn't "sharing" heat. Because now my feet are cold as fucking ice!! And your feet are now getting the benefit of MY heat!! That's not sharing. That is stealing. Sucking my heat. And now the dog has gotten in on the action.
In our front room we have 2 windows that go all the way to the floor, and the 2 heat vents for this room are right under these windows. On one window, the vent is off set to one side, leaving half of the floor in front of the window open and bare. Every night, as I am straightening things up from the disarray of the day before, I make sure the dog's bed is in this bare spot in front of the window. I know she likes to look out the window and watch the snow fall or the squirrels running or the neighbors walking their dogs. So I make sure she has plenty of room to do this from her bed.
At some point(s) throughout the day, she is moving her dog bed on top of that vent. I don't just mean that it accidentally slid over a little bit, or that it shifted slightly to one side. No. That sucker has been dragged or pushed or pulled or hauled over to be left completely on top of and covering the heat vent. There isn't a single little tiny slat left for air to blow into the room that isn't completely blocked by her damn dog bed.
So we have a little game we like to play. I move her bed off the vent. I leave the room to go about my day. While I am gone, she moves her bed back on top of the heat vent and sleeps all toasty warm in her personal heat infused dog bed, secure in the knowledge that she has effectively sucked up all the heat in the room for herself. I return to the room and move her bed off the vent. This will happen at least 3 times a day. Every day. What. The. Shit.
And this is not a prima donna dog. She loves to romp in the snow and go for long winter walks in the woods. She's not doing it because she is too dainty to handle being a tad bit chilly. She is just effing with me. Taunting me when I am not looking. Like its all some big hilarious game to her. This is the shit I'd expect from my kids. Not someone who doesn't even have opposable thumbs. I guess I should have expected that this dog would be trouble eventually. After all, she IS from Alabama.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Don't be a Dick-tka!!!!
I am very well aware that my children are influenced as much by what they see and hear around them (in school, on the bus, in the neighborhood, on TV, on the radio, etc) as they are by what they see and hear from their parents. I wish it wasn't the case, but sadly, my influences must compete with a plethora of other outside (and often much less desirable) influences that bombard them on a daily basis. Fortunately for me, my kids are still at an age where we can have open and honest conversations about the things that they see and hear, where they can ask questions and receive honest, informational feedback that encourages them to look at the situation critically, and think for themselves about how they really feel.
Its hard enough just growing up, trying to wade through all the bullshit passed along as gospel truth by your friends and on TV. Add to that the struggle of young boys trying to figure out what it means to be a "man" among all the gobbledygook out there, and its no wonder these poor boys' heads don't just explode. And then there are the young girls and young women trying to figure out what they should be valuing in the young men who cross their paths. In this day and age of technology and media, where information is disseminated so rapidly, it seems that there is no shortage of "teachable moments" that come out of the news. Pieces of information we as parents (and teachers and mentors and family members) can use to help our kids navigate the mine-field that is "growing up". And then, asshats like Mike Ditka just jack that shit all up when they open their mouths and start spewing ignorant nonsense.
This whole Miami Dolphins - Jonathan Martin - Richie Incognito thing is one giant clusterfuck. And no one, and I mean NO ONE, outside of Martin and Incognito, will ever know the truth. But honestly, what does it matter anymore? Maybe Incognito is a bully, maybe he's just an insensitive prankster, maybe he's a scapegoat. Maybe Martin is a victim, maybe he is a whistleblower, maybe he is just too sensitive. The bottom line for me is that its not any of my business, anymore than any other workplace dispute between co-workers regarding a hostile work environment in any office across America is my business. This is between Martin, Incognito, and the Dolphins. It's their mess to sort out. And any opinion I decide to have on the subject of who is right and who is wrong, is NOT going to be an informed or educated one, because I am not Martin or Incognito, and I don't know what exactly went on, and for me to try and tell anyone what they should or shouldn't have done in the situation is the worst kind of ignorance. Because it perpetuates this myth that anyone at anytime can take one tiny fraction of information and become an expert. And when a shit candle like Ditka does it, it unfortunately has the potential to negatively influence far beyond normal limits.
Ditka either doesn't realize, or doesn't care, that young boys and girls, and young men and women around the nation watch the sports shows and often idolize the personas, thoughts, and opinions of the sports heroes they see on these shows. And most of the time, the opinion of an aging ex-football player has limited reach, because his opinion on the best offense or defense, or the best player, or the best team is of minimal consequence in the grand scheme of things and in the daily lives of the young boys and girls, and young men and young women listening to him. But when you start running off at the mouth with ignorant shit you know nothing about regarding circumstances you can't possibly be informed of and making blanket judgement calls about the people involved, I'm sorry. You have just crossed the line into jack-hole ass-baggery-ness.
Ditka stated that Martin is a baby for claiming he was bullied and that instead of doing what he did (walking away from a situation that was problematic), he should have taken Incognito to "fist city" and tried to beat him up for it. He implies that a real man would have solved the problem with a fist fight. Huh?!?!? What the fuck?!? There was a time when I didn't mind that my 2 boys were huge Chicago Bears fans and idolized all things Bears, including everything to do with the 1985 team Ditka so famously coached. Now? Oh, hell to the ever lovin' spotty bum lord slappin' NO!!!!!!!!
Would you want your 8 year old son called a baby for walking away from a bullying situation? Would you want your 8 year old son to have to resort to fist fighting to defend himself from hurtful, damaging, threatening, painful bullying? Would you want your 8 year old son or your 15 year old daughter thinking that real men solve their problems with their fists first and their intelligence last? Would you want your 15 year old daughter thinking that real men resort to violence and fist fighting to get their way, and that only wimps or babies try to resolve their differences using their brains and their words? OR, would you want your 8 year old son to escape the immediate circumstance and find a family member or other adult he could trust to confide in about his situation? Would you want your 8 year old son to get help in resolving the situation without anyone getting hurt? Would you want your 8 year old son or 15 year old daughter to know that a real man has the courage to ask for help when its needed, and isn't too proud to say "I'm hurting and I'm sad and I want this to stop"? Would you want your 15 year old daughter to value the young men in their lives who are kind, gentle, loving, supportive, and non-violent problem solvers?
I get that Martin isn't an 8 year old. I get that he is supposed to be the epitome of "toughness" because not only is he a professional football player in the NFL, he's a LINEMAN at that. But personally, I'm glad that I can hold him up as an example to my kids. See?? See that big strong tough guy?? He's a person. He's human. He has feelings just like that little old lady. And he's allowed to say when things hurt him. He's allowed to say that he's had enough and that shit ain't funny anymore. He's allowed to stand up for himself. Just because you THINK he shouldn't have to, doesn't mean that he doesn't have the right to. Just because Ditka can't wrap his peanut size concussion addled brain around the idea that Martin has the right to say enough is enough, doesn't mean that he shouldn't do just that.
Because honestly, aren't we trying to teach our kids that fighting is wrong, and that we should be trying to solve our problems with words rather than violence? Aren't we trying to teach kids to stand up to bullying by talking to their parents, going to their teachers, sharing with their school counselors? Isn't that the message we are working our asses off to get through??? And the situation with Martin had been going on for OVER A YEAR. Um, I'm willing to bet that Martin tried to stop that shit multiple times in multiple ways over the course of that year and a half. But he reached his limit. And you know what? He walked the fuck away. THANK GOD he didn't decide to bring in a gun, and mow down the assholes who had been tormenting him, like some bullied kids in schools feel they have no choice but to do. Thank God he stood up and showed bullied kids around the nation that there IS another choice. There IS another option. And its better than resorting to the violence that crap stain lickers like Ditka want the world to resort to. Because crap stain lickers like Ditka think that a real man should solve any problem with his fists. And if he can't, well, then he must not be a real man.
I want my kids to know that Martin, the big ole tough NFL Lineman who could break you in half like plastic fork in a plate of BBQ chicken, is a real man, and he did exactly the right thing, regardless of what irrelevant raging idiot jackasses like Ditka think. He did exactly what I hope my kids would have the courage and strength of character and intelligence to do. Leave the situation. Get help. Make it stop. Resorting to "fist city" ultimately reduces your character to the lowly level of the ignorant schmuck who thinks he's all big and bad because he can call you names. But, don't get me wrong. If someone attacks you physically, defend yourself like no one's business. Absolutely. Go for the eyes and the groin. Rip that shit right off. Scream as loud as you can, and flail like a fucking windmill in the middle of a category 5 hurricane that just landed on a F5 tornado. But remember, that using physical violence to solve your problems, especially non-physical and non-violent problems, usually just creates more problems for you in the long run. And it just makes you look like an ass, like Ditka. So don't be a Dick-tka. Just don't.
Its hard enough just growing up, trying to wade through all the bullshit passed along as gospel truth by your friends and on TV. Add to that the struggle of young boys trying to figure out what it means to be a "man" among all the gobbledygook out there, and its no wonder these poor boys' heads don't just explode. And then there are the young girls and young women trying to figure out what they should be valuing in the young men who cross their paths. In this day and age of technology and media, where information is disseminated so rapidly, it seems that there is no shortage of "teachable moments" that come out of the news. Pieces of information we as parents (and teachers and mentors and family members) can use to help our kids navigate the mine-field that is "growing up". And then, asshats like Mike Ditka just jack that shit all up when they open their mouths and start spewing ignorant nonsense.
This whole Miami Dolphins - Jonathan Martin - Richie Incognito thing is one giant clusterfuck. And no one, and I mean NO ONE, outside of Martin and Incognito, will ever know the truth. But honestly, what does it matter anymore? Maybe Incognito is a bully, maybe he's just an insensitive prankster, maybe he's a scapegoat. Maybe Martin is a victim, maybe he is a whistleblower, maybe he is just too sensitive. The bottom line for me is that its not any of my business, anymore than any other workplace dispute between co-workers regarding a hostile work environment in any office across America is my business. This is between Martin, Incognito, and the Dolphins. It's their mess to sort out. And any opinion I decide to have on the subject of who is right and who is wrong, is NOT going to be an informed or educated one, because I am not Martin or Incognito, and I don't know what exactly went on, and for me to try and tell anyone what they should or shouldn't have done in the situation is the worst kind of ignorance. Because it perpetuates this myth that anyone at anytime can take one tiny fraction of information and become an expert. And when a shit candle like Ditka does it, it unfortunately has the potential to negatively influence far beyond normal limits.
Ditka either doesn't realize, or doesn't care, that young boys and girls, and young men and women around the nation watch the sports shows and often idolize the personas, thoughts, and opinions of the sports heroes they see on these shows. And most of the time, the opinion of an aging ex-football player has limited reach, because his opinion on the best offense or defense, or the best player, or the best team is of minimal consequence in the grand scheme of things and in the daily lives of the young boys and girls, and young men and young women listening to him. But when you start running off at the mouth with ignorant shit you know nothing about regarding circumstances you can't possibly be informed of and making blanket judgement calls about the people involved, I'm sorry. You have just crossed the line into jack-hole ass-baggery-ness.
Ditka stated that Martin is a baby for claiming he was bullied and that instead of doing what he did (walking away from a situation that was problematic), he should have taken Incognito to "fist city" and tried to beat him up for it. He implies that a real man would have solved the problem with a fist fight. Huh?!?!? What the fuck?!? There was a time when I didn't mind that my 2 boys were huge Chicago Bears fans and idolized all things Bears, including everything to do with the 1985 team Ditka so famously coached. Now? Oh, hell to the ever lovin' spotty bum lord slappin' NO!!!!!!!!
Would you want your 8 year old son called a baby for walking away from a bullying situation? Would you want your 8 year old son to have to resort to fist fighting to defend himself from hurtful, damaging, threatening, painful bullying? Would you want your 8 year old son or your 15 year old daughter thinking that real men solve their problems with their fists first and their intelligence last? Would you want your 15 year old daughter thinking that real men resort to violence and fist fighting to get their way, and that only wimps or babies try to resolve their differences using their brains and their words? OR, would you want your 8 year old son to escape the immediate circumstance and find a family member or other adult he could trust to confide in about his situation? Would you want your 8 year old son to get help in resolving the situation without anyone getting hurt? Would you want your 8 year old son or 15 year old daughter to know that a real man has the courage to ask for help when its needed, and isn't too proud to say "I'm hurting and I'm sad and I want this to stop"? Would you want your 15 year old daughter to value the young men in their lives who are kind, gentle, loving, supportive, and non-violent problem solvers?
I get that Martin isn't an 8 year old. I get that he is supposed to be the epitome of "toughness" because not only is he a professional football player in the NFL, he's a LINEMAN at that. But personally, I'm glad that I can hold him up as an example to my kids. See?? See that big strong tough guy?? He's a person. He's human. He has feelings just like that little old lady. And he's allowed to say when things hurt him. He's allowed to say that he's had enough and that shit ain't funny anymore. He's allowed to stand up for himself. Just because you THINK he shouldn't have to, doesn't mean that he doesn't have the right to. Just because Ditka can't wrap his peanut size concussion addled brain around the idea that Martin has the right to say enough is enough, doesn't mean that he shouldn't do just that.
Because honestly, aren't we trying to teach our kids that fighting is wrong, and that we should be trying to solve our problems with words rather than violence? Aren't we trying to teach kids to stand up to bullying by talking to their parents, going to their teachers, sharing with their school counselors? Isn't that the message we are working our asses off to get through??? And the situation with Martin had been going on for OVER A YEAR. Um, I'm willing to bet that Martin tried to stop that shit multiple times in multiple ways over the course of that year and a half. But he reached his limit. And you know what? He walked the fuck away. THANK GOD he didn't decide to bring in a gun, and mow down the assholes who had been tormenting him, like some bullied kids in schools feel they have no choice but to do. Thank God he stood up and showed bullied kids around the nation that there IS another choice. There IS another option. And its better than resorting to the violence that crap stain lickers like Ditka want the world to resort to. Because crap stain lickers like Ditka think that a real man should solve any problem with his fists. And if he can't, well, then he must not be a real man.
I want my kids to know that Martin, the big ole tough NFL Lineman who could break you in half like plastic fork in a plate of BBQ chicken, is a real man, and he did exactly the right thing, regardless of what irrelevant raging idiot jackasses like Ditka think. He did exactly what I hope my kids would have the courage and strength of character and intelligence to do. Leave the situation. Get help. Make it stop. Resorting to "fist city" ultimately reduces your character to the lowly level of the ignorant schmuck who thinks he's all big and bad because he can call you names. But, don't get me wrong. If someone attacks you physically, defend yourself like no one's business. Absolutely. Go for the eyes and the groin. Rip that shit right off. Scream as loud as you can, and flail like a fucking windmill in the middle of a category 5 hurricane that just landed on a F5 tornado. But remember, that using physical violence to solve your problems, especially non-physical and non-violent problems, usually just creates more problems for you in the long run. And it just makes you look like an ass, like Ditka. So don't be a Dick-tka. Just don't.
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